Bipolar disorder

[Bobo]

Sorry I haven't been around much. I haven't been feeling too good... Some of you may remember my suicidal posts a few years back (which caused ZW to leave the boards), and I'm still struggling with the same issues. I worked as a "big boss" in a big factory at the time, and at the same time I studied in the university. For years I strained myself too much, and eventually I suffered a serious burnout. If only I would have remembered "less is more".

Well, after my burnout I haven't felt the same at all, and for a long time I had a depression diagnosis. About six months back, finally, my diagnosis changed. For years I was on wrong medication, leading to another suicide attempt last summer. Now, after tons of research, my diagnosis is bipolar disorder. The medication has changed dramatically and I'm feeling better, but at the same time extremely numb. Can't feel anything really, I'm like a zombie these days. Not that I'd be "on drugs" all the time, my medication isn't like that. I'm not "stoned" at all. Just can't feel a thing.

This diagnosis won't heal and I'll be on medication the rest of my life. Not sure wether I can ever perform like I once did... A serious pain in the ass. I used to be the king of post whores here in CC. Now that I'm not, doesn't mean I wouldn't like CC anymore. I'm just not the same man anymore. :(

Here's a song about my medication... the lyrics are spot on. I'd love to feel something again some day, but I guess it's better to be numb than suicidal or crazy. Feels like my life is over, but I'll keep on trying.

Here's the song about the drug from hell... and sadly it's the first one that does help (lithium). Comes with a prize though. :puke:

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[EndorphinMachine]

Bobo, it's great to hear from you again. Too bad the news you bring are not better. Never having dealt with any psychological desease of that gravity it's hard for me to think of a way to help you. I can only think of one thing that might...but it is not easy.
Even when it doesn't seem so, I have come to realize that, at every moment of our life, our happiness is more of a choice than anything else. Even after having this mind boggling realisation, I can't always remember it when it would serve my well being. But I really believe that once we do, something lights up inside and we choose happiness.
None of this would apply if you have a chemical deficiency, obviously. But, if your decease comes from your way of thinking, you have a way out!
You shouldn't settle for the doctor's diagnosis, psychiatry is a very complex field and our minds are far from understood.
I wish you well, friend! Be a fighter!!!:D:hug:

[Bobo]

I know what you mean, attitude carries a long way. But mental disorders aren't all about attitude and way of thinking, they are physical conditions that are caused by chemical disbalance (permanent in this case) in the brain. I've always compared depression to fever... it doesn't go away just by thinking "I'm not sick". Bipolar disorder is one step more serious than depression, one simply can't heal from it. Once it's activated, it's there for life. Medication is the only way to keep going, and only after that it's all about attitude. A blind man can't see just because he wants to, a paralyzed man can't get out of the chair no matter how much he wants to walk, and someone with bipolar disorder can't heal the brain no matter how much he'd like to. Attitude carries a long way with common depression and it can be healed, but bipolar is one step worse. Our brain simply works so that we feel everything too strongly, and we need medication to saw off the peaks. Thanks anyway for your kind words, I'll try my best to keep an open mind and make a new life for myself with whatever is left. I may be able to live a normal life, but only if the medication is in balance. Without meds my life will be a chaotic rollercoaster. My diagnosis was confirmed by the fact that depression medication only made me feel worse. And these meds I'm taking now have no effect on "normal" depression, but they're helping me. That way there's no doubt about wether I have bipolar or not. It's been confirmed by several psychiatrists and doctors, and with everything that has happened in my life. It took five years of research to come to this conclusion.

[Dr. P-Evil]

glad to know your meds are figured out Bobo. by they way, you know you weren't the real reason ZW bounced. it was his time to move on. he admitted it himself. after all, he stuck around for a few months later anyway.

as someone also battling anxiety....because i am unable to financially support myself for the past couple years....the prozac i take is helping. however, as it helps calm me down, i've taken it further by experimenting with chi meditation and have done acupuncture. once the meds give you a baseline, either of those two can only help.

i went off meds and now i'm getting back on them. i need them to establish my baseline so the panick attacks can stop long enough to sit down and start meditating. anyway, glad to hear back from you.

[EndorphinMachine]

I thought that bipolarity could also be externaly induced rather than only due to chemical imbalance in the brain. Frankly, I don't know many details either about depression or bipolarity, but you already got my main message which was to keep an open mind. There's just one thing that bothers me and that is when you say stuff like "new life for myself with whatever is left" because it sounds as though you still have an inclination to accept pain. Obviously everyone will have pain at points of their life but, the more you take it as something that is meant to be there, the longer it will linger. But hopefully you meant something different, it's not easy to understand someone's thought process just by reading their posts so I'm kinda guessing.

Anyway, you have your friends, doctors and us at CC to give you confort whenever you need it.

[Bobo]

The reasons for bipolar disorder are external, but after it activates it's 90% internal. I've tried to get back to life for years by keeping an open mind, but the depressive moods are like high fever, one simply can't shut them off. But I do know what you mean... sadly, in this case attitude helps only to a limit. Medication is needed no matter what, without it the risks are too severe. By "new life for myself with whatever is left" I meant, I need to learn to know myself again and understand I'm not the same man anymore. Before I had my mental breakdown, I was studying in the university (already have masters degree so I was aiming higher), I had a demanding job in which I got loads of positive responses, I was good at what I did. I ran marathons, had loads of friends, got good grades, had several hobbies etc. etc... Now, no matter how I try, I simply can't find the strength for just about anything. My memory isn't what it used to be. I'm not interested in other people, meaning I don't hang around with friends anymore. Making some coffee in the morning is such an effort that I can't even think about studying or working, I simply feel bad 24/7. I have no energy. Believe me, I try... every day I try. I just can't find any energy. That's what I meant... I'm just a shadow of my former self, and I need to figure out what's my place in the world with this sickness. The life I used to live is over, it seems to be mentally and physically impossible these days. And I do try! :neut: Of course the other side of bipolar are the manic episodes when a person has unlimited source of energy and won't get tired no matter what. Sadly, my sickness is 95% depression and only on some rare occasions I suddenly wake up and activate. And just as fast as the good mood appeared, it suddenly disappears. And then, after a positive period, the depressive mood feels even worse.

Mental problems are internal when talking about serious depression, bipolar or similar. People often make the mistake of comparing depression to a bad hair day or similar. When it's an actual sickness, it's much more than just about attitude. The brain isn't working like it should, the neurotransmitters aren't in balance. And that can't be fixed by just trying to think positively. One can learn to live with the sickness with the right attitude, but the problem itself is deeper. Well, depression can fade away, but bipolar is there for life. Medication can't heal it but meds can take the symptoms away. And as the meds may help, they also come with a prize. In my case they make me numb. I'm simply not interested in life (or anything else) anymore. But I do try.

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[Clockers]

I never knew what Bipolar disorder was or how it affected a person's life.. I'm really sorry to hear that you have Bipolar disorder Bobo. :(


I truly hope the best for you my friend. :cool

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[EndorphinMachine]

If that video is correct, and I hope it is, bipolar disorder is treatable. Also, not very influenced by genes but rather environmental. Keep that in mind Bobo. I would even sugest writing down important facts about your decease in a piece of paper and reading that everyonce in a while to keep you hopeful and to avoid falling on the mistake of confusing your decease with an inevitability. You might also wantto write down some other positive thoughts relating to your decease, realizations you may have.
I have the habit of making lists of objectives, some about my life in general, others more focused on certain issues and I have found that to be of great help. If you have a therapist or a psychiatrist, he may help you greatly with that, especially if you are willing to share your intimate thoughts with him.

Man I just had a chill onmy spine thinking about your suicide atempt. Even though we've never met, I am glad you are still alive and I want badly to see you get better. You are a great man Bobo! Don't let your present lack of energy trick you into thinking you're half of someone you used to be. Nothing can take away all your acomplishments in life, they are yours forever and you should feel pride in them. One day you will feel good again and who knows if you won't surpass yourself. In the meantime, give yourself a break, let yourself rest and gather strength for the life that's waiting for you to make it yours!

I hope this helps you:wink:

[Python]

Hey Bobo it's been three years!!

No one has the same experience in life, bro, sometimes I wake up in the morning and too scared to even lift my head out of the duvet. I'm almost certain im a paranoid-deppressive.
I shake and cry. I constantly worry about the future and there's even a slight risk (probably none at all but my mood swings cause paranoia) of me being incarcerated no fault of my own just youthful inexperience dealing with tax affairs.:(
If it's any help I think I and many others can somewhat understand the shit that your going through.

Best of luck. Things can always get better.

[Bobo]

Thans for all the kind words, guys! I'm learning to live with this sickness. Until the correct medication is found, I'm in hell. But, I'm learning more and more about this, and I'm also seeing a psychiatrist every week. Haven't been suicidal for a long time now, and I'm sure I never will. I hope life will surprise me positively some day and I find out who I am these days. So don't worry about me, just wanted to share this with you guys. This is why I love CC: no judgement, loads of compassion. I love you guys! :hug:

[EndorphinMachine]

Love u 2 Bobo. Rock on:cool

[Clockers]

What he said...:hug:

[TheFly]

Wow. I guess I'm not alone. I have been battling this disorder for more than half my life (20+ years). I can tell you it is manageable but you need to maintain a constant vigil over your moods and recognize when they are shifting. I used to belong to your group here years ago but a depressive state put me in a funk and I left. Looking back I realize I spent much of my time here manic as hell with serious, nearly life threatening depression to follow. Now that I am more balanced I realize I don't need to be here so much. No offense to anyone here. Great site.

Fret not, Bobo. There are other medications out there that can help treat your symptoms. I have tried many. When first diagnosed lithium was the only option. I sympathize with your feelings of being a zombie. That's how lithium works. It flattens you out so the mood swings don't go too far one way or the other. The down side is that it never changes. You never really feel happy or sad. You just are. Blah.

I got tired of feeling that way and have tried some other meds with much better success. Take a look at Equetro as well as Trileptal. I am currently on the latter and I feel really good. Been on it for almost a year now. I feel like I can function normaly and my mood swings have been minimal to non existent. I enjoy my life now and the days seem brighter.

Ask your psych about other options. They are out there.

Good luck.

[Bobo]

Hi there Mr. Fly! Can't say I'd be happy to find another person in CC suffering from this crushing sickness, but your post is nevertheless appreciated. Funny how we both have the same pattern in terms of CC. I too spent insane amounts of time here before (just look at my post count), and then we disappeared when things went bad. Thanks for sharing your story so I'm not the only crazy person here. It wasn't easy for me to bring this out because most people don't understand this at all, but then again how could they? I'd love to tell about this to everyone I know because this is who I am these days, but I guess it's not wise because people really don't understand. They would label me as a crazy person. I only have severe mood swings, I don't think I can fly and I don't see any green men (despite of my avatar lol).

The reason why people don't understand is, the mood swings are very different when compared to a healthy person. For example, if normal healthy mood would be 100 points, mania or hypomania 150, and bipolar depression 50, we suffer a sudden 100 point crash when depression strikes. A normal person would crash from about 120 or 100 to 70, so the difference isn't as bad. Also, a healthy person will get over the depressed mood quite fast, but in our case the agony might stay for an year or two, no matter how much we try to think positively and fight it. It's difficult to think positively then.

When I was manic, I managed to spend money so that I was about 50.000€ (~$70.000) in debt. Early this year I finally managed to get rid of the whole debt, but the bad label in my credit reference will follow me for years, and I can't get any credit cards or loans. Well, in a way that's a good thing, at least I can't make such an mess again. I also got divorced in the process, lost my apartment... and I've tried to commit suicide twice. Well, maybe they were more like calls for help because I know how to do it, wouldn't remain an attempt. I'm glad to be alive, but it isn't easy. These are the things that makes this sickness even worse, losing control like that. Well, meds will prevent that in the future, at least I hope so.

Thanks for the info about your medication, I'll remember those drugs you mentioned. Right now I'll give lithium a try because I've been on it only for a few weeks. I'm also on an antidepressant and Lamictal (lamotrigine). If I'll remain a zombie, I'll consider those you mentioned.

I'm extremely glad that you're finally feeling better. That gives me hope. Thanks, Sir! :hug:

[Clockers]

Dame hoss what did you spend $70.000 on?

[Bobo]

Bought nice expensive things, traveled alot, gave some to charity (alot, actually) etc. etc. Just wanted to live and experience, and I really did. A big part of the debt came from credit interest and other shit, I took loans to pay loans... that's expensive as hell. The recovery proceedings really got expensive. I also was hospitalized for a few months and that wasn't too cheap either. I simply didn't think about it, didn't open my mail... just didn't care. And when the situation was finally revealed I couldn't believe my eyes! When a person starts spending money he doesn't have like that, the debt will grow and grow greatly just from the interest and other expenses the loans create. Well, I did shape up and pay it all despite of my hunger and poverty it caused. I had to resort on bread lines just to survive. But I made it, the debt is gone, and I have a fair chance on building a better life for myself now.

[Clockers]

Lesson learned.. :wink:

[Bobo]

You can say that again! :lol:

[Clockers]

:lol: :lol:

[Bobo]

Oh, forgot to mention... I also bought some expensive paintings (5th avenue, New York). I love antiques and especially old paintings. I still have those on my wall, too nice to sell away. :cool

[Clockers]

Old oil paintings are a good investment. I have a few old paintings on my walls as-well. I also have other antiques in my home. :cool

[TheFly]

I'm in the same debt boat as you are. I'm still climbing out though. A couple more years and I'm in the clear. I'll never own another credit card (my choice) and if I don't lose my house during this shitty recession I won't have to worry about loans for some time as well. (Gotta dependable vehicle). Eventually my credit rating will go up but if 2012 holds true I won't have to worry about it :-)

I bet if you polled those whose are afflicted with this mess you would find most to be in bad financial shape. It's part of the mania. You don't think about what you are doing or what the repercussions will be. Until later...maybe.

Hmmm...after re-reading that I'm thinking the US Government is bi-polar as well...ya think?

Best of luck to ya, greenie.

[Bobo]

By 2012 you're referring to the end of the world -thingy (Mayan calendar)? :lol: Well, if it's true, then maybe I should get a new BIG debt and "live like there's no tomorrow" until 21. December 2012?! :cool

Yep, the US Government is definitely bipolar! :lol:

Best of luck to ya too, Mr. Fly! :hug:

[Clockers]

Now their saying that on May 21 2011 the rapture will take place. Judgment Day.. Who knows. :cool


I did hear that on 12-21-12 the earth is to be in line with the universe and something big is to happen, what, if any, i have no ideal.

[Sabin37]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, Bobo.

Your words ring ominously true to me... I was talking to a good friend of mine about my problem with low testosterone, and how it makes me feel absolutely lethargic and depressed, and trying to make clear that there is nothing I can consciously do about it. It unconsciously affects my decisions. My "mindset" has no influence on it. I was largely using the same arguments as you were.

I have been living like this for about 2,5 years now, and I still haven't gotten better. I tried everything under the moon, and so far only natural testosterone boosters and regular exercise have helped me feel normal again. No doctor as been able to diagnose any kind of problem. But I am pretty sure it's a hormonal thing, especially since my testicles have gotten a lot smaller.

So I definitely feel for you. It consumes your life, and it's very troubling when nobody else believes/understands your problem.

Hang in there man :hug:

[Bobo]

Hi there, Sabin. I'm sorry to hear about your problem. It's quite weird that doctors haven't found anything wrong, just keep on demanding more research and someone will figure it out. I'm not sure how your health care system works there in Germany, at least here in Finland they usually keep on researching until the correct diagnosis is found. Hormone levels can easily be tested, so that's one thing you should ask about. Just a simple blood sample, shouldn't be more difficult than that.

I hope things will get better, Sir! :hug:

[\Y/]

... Some of you may remember my suicidal posts a few years back (which caused ZW to leave the boards)

Not really Bobo... Yup, it's ZW again, a few years older :D

The real reason I left was because I had to, really. Not because of you.

I am very happy to see you still with us. Maybe not everything is hunky-dory for you, as I could see from your post, but it's very nice to see you fighting it off, and giving life your best shot. That's the spirit Bobo! Don't ever give up. Life can be pretty shit most of the time, but there are still plenty of things to live for. Keep on the good fight my friend. :cheeky:

[BEAST]

I just chimed in to see how this forum is doing and saw this thread. Last thursday I was diagnosed as having Bipolar II disorder after, well pretty much a year from hell. Im just glad its all starting to feel behind me. Hows things with you these days Bobo?


Other than that, Im great!:D :cool