WOMEN PROBLEMS - Single talk.

[Jelqster]

So, Ive been with this girl for 5 months, she lives in another country, im moving there soon. Shes in school, im working, she goes on holidays with her friends, i fly out there to see her. shes been complaining a bit that i have been blaming things and situations on her, and that im giving her a hard time alot. background info over.


yesterday 4pm.

She goes out with her mates to firstly a house party, then she goes into town to a restaurant for a meal. then she goes to a school dance/prom, in which shes going with another guy to dance with him. This other guy is called GUY1. It finishes at 1am.


After she leaves the restaurant she texts me saying shes just finished the meal and they are going to the dance and that she misses me and asks if im having fun.

I had told her before 4pm that i was going out to the city, but whiel she was away plans changed and my mate couldnt drink so we just sat at home training and watching a dvd. I text her back at 7pm saying:


"Hey babe, yeh im having a realy good time here!!! How did the meal go? and how does the party look? Bet you look great :)miss you too."


So then, instead of her replying, i wait for 1 hour, my mate goes home at 8pm, and then i wait another 3 hours for a reply from her. this is what i got:

"Haha yeh we just did some more dancing haha, was dancing with Jacob! That was fucking fun! But il see you around 1:)"

(Jacob turns out to be GUY 2)

Thats what i get back....

Then she comes online at 1:40am. She said around 1, thats a bit of a piss take, i stayed up for that. So then i just say to her, its out of order for her to be shitty to me like that, and she tells me that the text i sent her WAS REALY BITCHY AND NASTY and her mates told her that it was cold and neutral and not loving or caring, so she was pissed and sent to me what she felt she got.

I was angry at this, because clearly her text was fucking bang out of order compared to mine.

Then she sais this shit...

Your never happy with me, and your blaming me for everything. Then she goes on to say that "if your going to split up with me do it now" "I dont know if im going to be single tomoro but rite now it feels like we will be"

i said to her that im sure shel have great fun when shes single because she wont get any shit from me. in a sarcastic way.

she responds:

yeh i will go out with other guys and get what i want from them.

I was like :neut: :neut: :neut: :neut: "what, sex?"

then she had a long pause and then just said "attention".




2 hours of talking and bitching and arguing later and i get her to understand that what she had said was fucking bitchy and bang out of order, and that i trust her less after she said that, ive gone off her alot after she came out with that shit, so shes now trying to pull me back.


What do you lot think of it all? and that text and what she said after etc?

[w3]

First of all, seems to me that there is a lot more background story than what you supplied.

I see from this situation that there is really an issue with trust, which of you started getting all jealous on one another?
Or has there been a situation, when she did something wrong (kissed, fucked another guy) and didn't tell you, but you found out afterwards?
Anything to make that trust bond crumble.
Have you blamed her for being unfaithul? If you are not confident, and you put that weight on her, she will respond negatively.

I understand that you live thousands of miles apart, and that can really be a lot of strain on a relationship.

What's happening here is that you both seem to be avenging some form of bad behaviour to each other, she's bitching at you because you are being cold. etc.
From the text messages you wrote to us here, it seems that she was the one responsible for the argument/fight this time.
She was the one who blew things out of proportions, and she was the one wanting vengeance on you for something.

If you really want her, and if you really love her, if you are ready to gamble in the most dangerous game of this world. Then you need to just fight until you get to move to the same country with her, and then you need to make sure that you start out fresh.
With nothing from the past dragged with you. You had a long distance relationship, and the problems that come with it.
Don't drag that baggage with you. Make sure she understands that too, cos if not, then the old bitterness will lead into destruction of your relationship.

Win her, or lose a part of you that might never grow back.
Or then again, as I've learned from my relationships, I've only gotten stronger by getting beaten the shit out of!

But, if you could give me a little more info on what's been going on between you, I'd be happy to try and help as best I can.

[Dr. P-Evil]

man, i hate telling you this, but there's trouble brewing.

a. you keeping tabs on her and committing her to a timetable doesn't make you look secure...and you come across like a 'square' after a night of partying with other 'fun' guys.

b. she could be looking for an excuse to end it. the fact is, she eluded that she could go out and get laid if she wanted, so a part of her wants a boyfriend who is close by.

c. in general, there's always one person who loves more than the other. in this case, you may be the one holding on too tight. that clouds your reality.

d. if she's a good looking girl, she's going to get guys undermining you and putting their best fronts forward to get some ass. some of her 'mates' may be men you know. and her girl friends...if she's truly in love with you, the will be catty as hell and completely cock block you unconsciously because they hate that she's got a strong love. they'll point out your flaws, etc.
e. you're not alone, the world is full of military men who go off and fight for their country, only to have their girl go fuck someone else while they are gone.

f. accept that you're in a situation that you can't control. you have to trust that she loves you and believe you are worthy of it. when doesn't love you back, it's time to move on. your love is like a carton of milk left outside. it's not in a good position. you drink it up while you can, and one day it will go sour.

g. i hope you're not moving to her country, just for her. there needs to be a bigger reason than that.

h. send her flowers and a card that tells her that you hate that you can't be with her. tell her you feel so lucky to have her love and that you're acting a little crazy because, she's a goddess and you can't help but feel jealous because she's one in a million.

i've been down this road and left without dignity, without the upper hand.
if you realy want to shine her on, send her enough cookies or something for her friends. the point is to show that you are confident that you deserve her and that you are a good guy. ' a man's character can be determined by how he conducts himself while being destroyed'- i think that's Hemingway, but i can't confirm.

next, back off. go out and flirt with other girls...boost up your self esteem a little so you feel like she's isn't the only woman on the planet. if she wants you, she'll look at your gesture as sweet. if she's looking for an excuse to break up, she's feel that you're being cheesy and a little suffocating with the gift. it's not an objective situation. she'll percieve it through whatever decision she's already making. in the mean time, you don't call or text her unless she's contacting you. do it for at least a month. don't wait for her either. go out a live your life a little. if you want to visit her, tell her you're free x weekend, but don't ask her if you should come and see her. if she wants to see you again, she'll complain and ask when you're going to come back.

be prepared to move on, my friend. you don't have to get burned here to feel joy in the future. it doesn't make a cold person to detach here. if you pull the ejection cord emotionally at the right time, you can live to fly again. you don't have to go down with your plane. best of luck friend.

[w3]

Spot on Dr. P-Evil, very good advice.
The way you put the main things into words, brilliant. All I can do is agree with you.

' a man's character can be determined by how he conducts himself while being destroyed'- i think that's Hemingway, but i can't confirm. Deep. A good quote. And oh-so-true.

be prepared to move on, my friend. you don't have to get burned here to feel joy in the future. it doesn't make a cold person to detach here. if you pull the ejection cord emotionally at the right time, you can live to fly again. you don't have to go down with your plane. best of luck friend.
This is a piece of advice that I think that Jelqster really needs to grab a hold of.

But in the end, we are human, and me are prone to make mistakes.
Perhaps that is just the way we are built, the way our head is.
We gotta make the mistakes to learn from them, maybe this one is Jelqsters eyeopener. Who knows? Only time will tell.

[Torpedo]

They're right, man. The idea of losing the girl you care about can be really scary sometimes. You want to hang onto her no matter what happens. But you know, if she doesn't love you enough to be loyal to you, then it never would have worked out anyway. And if she does love you, then everything will be fine. And some girls are just bitches. If she's only going to care about what she wants and what's best for her, with no regard for how you feel, then you're probably better off without her, anyway. I hope it works out for you.

This is the same girl that we had that talk about before, right? About the guy with the big penis that she kept dancing with?

Edited for some serious typos.

[PepeLePew]

Jesus CC is becoming more alive again! Awesome, I haven't read everything
here, but I'll put my piece in abit later when I have time.

[The_Scientist]

Yup, there is some great advice here.

It all comes down to trust, if you trust each other then it will work out, if not then you won't you will both consume yourselves with jealousy and petty games, but that's nothing that hasn't been said before. Listen to the men, they are smart.

[PepeLePew]

More background information is listed in this thread about Jelqster & his
girlfriend. http://www.cheekycherry.com/ccforums/showthread.php?t=7153


Okay, let's see here...

1. You say you've only been with her for 5 months...okay this isn't as long
as long as I thought you had been with her or possibly I just forgot. Out of
those 5 months, how long...many days have you actually been able to see
this girl...see not just talk on the phone. Because you've you are in different
countries I'm not think you have actually seen & been around her in person
for very long at all really.

2. From the texts you left you didn't really do too much or anything wrong
at all from you're part, maybe not so many exclaimations that you were
having that great of a time...could have set her to be jealous and thus
she went a little crazy and wrote what she did back to you which is pretty
immature on her part. Maybe you should have just said, "Yea, we are having
a great time," just something simple like that along with the you missing
her etc. at the end. But maybe their is some other prior background info/texts
that we don't know about that set her off.

***From the link I posted in the other thread one problem you had in there
was being a little too jealous of her going out and having a good time with
her other friends...you said you had been working on that which is good.
But one other thing you mentioned which the other guys hear may not
have read is how you always fly to her...and when she has the opportunity
off she goes on little trips with her friends to different countries and really
never bothers traveling to meet where you are. Though in one of the
situations she had planned the trip out months ahead of time before you
2 were even together or something if I recall...thus we told you to take
it easy and I think you understood that.***

3. It seems like you are more in love with her then she is with you. Many
years ago a girl I was in love with told me she was in love with me too, but
not the kind of same love that I had for her...more so she said my love was
like I was wanting to marry her and it was kind of suffocating her that she
also wanted to have the rest of her life and friends and do things without
me becoming jealous and insecure...though I was jealous I was secure as
I trusted she'd never do anything and if she did she'd tell me. And she told
me that the love she had for me was that she cared about me like a family
member and her best friend...like I was one of the top people she cared
about in her life and loved like her family and best friends...but she said
that was the kind of love she loved me and she said..."But I am not in love
with you." To me it seems like you are in the same situation I was years
ago when I really didn't have a clue. Sorry to say it, but I think you got
too attached to this girl too fast and fell more in love with her then she
has with you, that you may be suffocating her with just you and she being
able to tell you do not like her partying out late and being around other
guys...of course you don't like it but you can't tell her tell or know you
don't like it that much...it will be on her mind all the time and she will
feel like she can't have all the fun she really has because you are so
protective of her, even though if she thought you were more cool about
it she'd have fun but would never cheat on you because she knows how
good she has it with you by having a great guy who respects her and
trusts her but also let's her breath and doesn't worry about what she
might be doing without him.

4. These guys gave great advice and I agree for the most part with them,
except for one little thing I wouldn't do is send her a bunch of flowers
and cookies or whatever telling her you care so much about her and all
this other blah blah stuff...that won't really work and probably just make
you seem more begging. You shouldn't have to send her anything, you
have nothing to really apoligize about from what you stated occurred...yea
maybe have some other things you didn't do before but that cannot really
be turned around and fixed...she is thinking of you in a certain way now
and really through out the single card so it's been on her mind a lot. To
me she seems very a bit immature...especially how she showed her
friends your text and tried to get their prospective of what it meant and
them saying that they thought you were bitchy, etc...no way she has
some fucked up friends who are really going to be more of a negative
then a positive with their type of attitude they'll be trying to bring you
more down then help you succeed with her. The presents at this time
won't work because she has a certain mindset of you, you need to give
her a break and not contact her...let her contact you and if she doesn't
well she wasn't at all who you thought she was and you learn from it...
don't go begging back to her and apoligizing because you didn't do anything
wrong this go around. Let her come to you.

[Party_Stopper]

Wow I'm learning a lot of all this too, PepeLePew' s girlfriend a couple years ago kinda got me thinking my present situation I got going.

Not sure if I can be much help. I had a similar long distance relationship, and we kept it for bout a month. It was a different situation, we have only been together for 2 weeks, and the next time we could see each other would be in 7 months.
Now its just a "thing" and shes got a boyfriend, we usually talk once a week.

So from what I've learned, culture can effect long distance relationships, shes used to partying, having fun with friends, your naturally going to be jealous that shes having fun without you, therefore, you being upset. You just have to accept it and not think about it. If she really loves you she will apologie.
I know you feel better after you talk, so don't stop talking, once you do you drift apart.

I do believe she wants to be with you. If your asking questions that question the integrity of the relationship, stop, it shows weakness.

[Jelqster]

Thanks alot for all the advice guys!


I think she does love me A HELL of a lot tho... she sent me a 2 page letter 2 days before this argument. I think shes very VERY insecure and has a low self esteem about herself and thinks she LOVES me MORE. And so she ends up going VERY deffensive when Im making her jelous, or if i argue with her. She also feels like she is blamed for alot which makes her believe the relationship is unstable.

I visit her as much as i can, and i sleep in the same bed as her in her house everytime i visit:

october 3 days firs ttime i met her.

november 10 days

december 20 days (spent 10 days of that with other family but still seeing her everyday)

january 10 days

febuary 20 days - went on a skiing holiday with her and her family.

on top of that we talk for about 3-6 hours a day online using webcam hah. But it seems to be a bit less because she has so much stress with school and stuff. Hope that answers some more of the questions.

She is worried im not as keen on her anymore, because; over the last few days i have been acting shitty and OFF. But shes realised that this is because i have alot of stress on, and so she is now gving me more attention. I told her to make her more confident that im not going anywhere and i love her etc.

[Jelqster]

You need to understand she is very insecure. yeh yeh girls are very insecure, but this one inparticular... for instance, she was in tears becasue i came to her country and i have a tonne of mates over their, and all her mates like me alot, and she feels as though she hasnt got as many mates.... so things like that seem to set her off a bit. Shes the sort of girl who REALY NEEDS someone to look after her mentaly, support her and give her attention, but at the same time wants to go out and be this "confident" person with her mates.

[w3]

Okay.
I'm just gonna go ahead and say this;

Just forget her.

She is fucked up. And needs to mature, and she won't mature until she has lost something she really loves. for example you..
Or lost someone she really loves many times.

As I said before, we humans need to make mistakes in order to learn from them, and grow, mature.

I think she needs to do that.

I really doubt that anyone will find a lasting relationship under the age of 25 at least. Or maybe 30, because life hasn't battered younger people enough to make them see things in the perspective they ought to see them.

Okay, some people aren't strong enough to handle bad things happening, breakups, deaths of family members, deaths of friends.
But my point lies in that, I for one, want a woman that is strong.
Who can and will survive alone. Because I am that type of guy.
This way, we don't need to build our lifes around eachother for support, but just live adjacent to eachother.

[Steve Madden]

I'm 21 and only know one girl I can safely say I'd like to spend the rest of my life fucking. It's a rare thing, but it does happen from time to time.

Just keep perspective, Jelqster. You say a lot of the problem comes from her insecurity, and while that does beat some other more pressing issues (infidelity, etc.), it can also be a deal breaker if it isn't brought under control. Some people can even reconcile after infidelity or lies, but I've never known any couple where one or both partners were insecure AND even remotely happy.

That said, if you really have been being a dick to her, maybe a talk is in order where you explain the situation and, gasp, apologize? Stress is a bitch, but it's no call to torture the one you care for, and there's a chance you might regret it later on. Is there a chance that you know she's insecure and sometimes in your frustration you exploit that to upset her? Sometimes we can do some fucked stuff when things aren't going are way, and sometimes we don't even realize it.

[Torpedo]

I'm 21 and only know one girl I can safely say I'd like to spend the rest of my life fucking. It's a rare thing, but it does happen from time to time.

How romantic. :lol: Kiss me, you fool.

Jelq, Steve is right. Her insecurity isn't a deal breaker, as long as it doesn't put too much strain on the relationship. Maybe the two of you can work it out together. But if it's a constant problem, and it looks like it's going to prevent anything in the way of a long-term relationship, then you should cut her loose.

[The_Scientist]

You say a lot of the problem comes from her insecurity, and while that does beat some other more pressing issues (infidelity, etc.), it can also be a deal breaker if it isn't brought under control. Some people can even reconcile after infidelity or lies, but I've never known any couple where one or both partners were insecure AND even remotely happy.

Wise the hairy chested man is.

Insecurity leads to Jealousy.

Jealousy leads to Distrust.

Distrust leads to the Dark Side.

http://www.phawker.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/darth-vader-face.jpg

[PepeLePew]

I agree with w3. To me it seems like this same thing is going to keep
re-occurring even when you are living in her country. I hope it works
out for you, but it seems like it will just keep repeating itself until
one of you has had enough. She seems like she will always be insecure
and needing attention like a little girl. Yea, she may have low self-esteem
from what possibly happened to her in the past, but I don't think you
can keep being this guy and giving her chance after chance...you
won't be truly happy. She needs to learn from this.

Good luck. Keep us updated. We here for you.

[w3]

Wise the hairy chested man is.

Insecurity leads to Jealousy.

Jealousy leads to Distrust.

Distrust leads to the Dark Side.


Damn I burst out laughing when Darth Vader suddenly emerged on my screen after reading that. :lol::lol::lol:
Thanks for a good laugh! :lol:

Jelqster, watch out or you'll turn into Darth Vader of love.
Just kidding, but keep us posted man! And good luck. Although luck has nothing to do with it.

[Jelqster]

thanks for the adivce everyone! i appreciate it alot!

We just had a bit of an argument realy, online last night.

Shes going on this trip to greece with her school for one week. She told me it was going to be realy busy with school assignments over there so not much free time at all. Thatmade me feel a bit better obviously, less drinking etc.

Then i ask her for fun as a joke, are you bringing your bikini?


"yeh"


And im thinking shes either joking or taking the piss...

and then she tells me they are going to have an afternoon off on an "Island".

And im just thinking what the fuck... when were you going to tell me????

"OH i just find out!"

I was a bit off when i heard this, and she said she wishes i could just be happy for her and hope she enjoys her trip. so i just turn around and tell her i find it fucking hard for some reason to think "i REALY hope she has a fucking good vacation and enjoys herself and has a hell of a wild time in her spare time in that bikini!"


Because i know its not like shes going to come back and give me loads of attention, because shel just be flooded with school work and i will be there in her spare time as usual, and in her spare time shes stressed or tired because of the work shes done during the day. It just pisses me RITE OFF.


OH also on this week off she said shes not going to contact me at all for a week because it costs too much, but she will try and find a net cafe. thats shitty for me, il be worrying and i get no contact or reassurance from her for a week. The thing is i know how this will go, it happend when she went away for 10days with her mates skiing.... she goes away, i go "off" because im shitty shes away and then i stop giving as much of a shit towards her, she gets back and i appear quite cold or neutral. Then she works hard to get me back to being keen as hell again. I said to her "i cant wait for all these trips you go on to be over, then we can focus on US instead of having all this blocks of time which are your spare time when you are not stressed with YOUR MATES instead of me"

another thing she brought up the other day is...

I want to go to a gymnastics festival in the summer, its 5 days long so il be away for 5 days, oh and you cant come its just my gym club. sorry.

So that would be another fucking holiday, before im even spending time with her. it just takes the piss. il tell her straight next time i see her. Its not on. trip after trip after trip and im trying my best to stay possitive.

[w3]

Keep your shit together.
If you just get mad at her about taking her bikini with her, it will make her think;
"I might as well fuck this gorgeous greek guy, because Jelqster is already waiting for it to happen!"

So don't push her that way by being too paranoid. It will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Just try to hold on until you get to move into the same country, and remember to take a good clean start, as if you never met.
Otherwise shit won't work, and you'll end up in a bad and bitter relationship.

[Torpedo]

Jelq, we've given each other some pretty personal advice before, and I hope you won't take any of this the wrong way. I'm saying it as a friend.

There are three possible reasons why I think you might be concerned here. I'm not sure which it is.

1. You have no respect for your girlfriend. You see her as some dumb woman with no self-control who's going to jump on the first guy that she sees. And you, as the dominant male here, have to be diligent to make sure that other males don't take what's yours. But in reality, she is a human being - someone perfectly capable of making rational decisions. Hopefully, your relationship means enough to her that she won't do anything with other guys. If it does, and she really does care about you, then she will be 100% loyal to you. (And if she really is the kind that has no self-control, get rid of her.)

2. You're worried that because it's a long term situation, she might forget about you. She might decide that it's easier to be with someone closer. Didn't you say that you were moving closer to her? If she knows that, then this problem shouldn't be much of a factor anymore.

3. You are very insecure, in general. If this is the case, then it has much more to do with you than it has to do with her. Do what it takes to get over it and be happy with yourself and your circumstances. And NEVER dump any of your insecurities on her. Sure, you can talk to her about stuff that's bothering you, but you should never take your problems out on your girlfriend. For example, girls just like to take bikinis on trips. They like to show them off to their friends (girls) and just run around the beach and have a good time. There is no reason for you to be threatened by that. And if you constantly worry about her doing things that she sees as PERFECTLY normal, then she's going to start losing respect for you. She'll see you as some little insecure candy ass. Not a good thing. And any guys that hear about it will think the same thing. And if they have no real competition, what's to stop them from moving in? Your best bet is to let her know that you love her and that you trust her, even when she's far away from you. That is going to get you huge brownie points. You'll come across as being secure and confident in your ability to keep a girl, and it'll make her feel good that you respect her enough to trust her like that.

Well, that's just my two cents. I hope everything works out for you, man.

[Torpedo]

Oh, and another thing. It's really cool that you communicate with her so much. The webcam thing sounds like a great way to stay close to her! But why do you expect her to call you and text you all the time telling you exactly what she's doing? What are you, her mom? She has her life, and you have yours. As long as she's not cheating on you, why do you even care? And what business is it of yours?

All you're doing is making yourself look VERY insecure. Either it's because you have your own insecurities, or it's because you NEED to check up on her to keep her from wandering off. Either way, it's going to kill your relationship. Get it resolved.

[Jelqster]

good points torpedo, and thanks for the advice everyone.

I have flown to see her many many many times meanwhile she has had preplanned trips abroad wit her mates. We agreed that its kind of shitty that im spending all my time and money on flying to her while shes flying away.

Im moving to be with her and then she tells me shes planning another trip for 5 days while im there. That to me is a kick in the bollocks because i have MOVED to live there and shes already thinking of fucking off with her mates for another trip.

Yes i must admit im sure im insecure about alot of things. But this, tell me im not crazy, its not exactly fair. Im ending up chasing her, she has turned around to me and said "i want to spend time with my mates without you when your here". Im thining, yes so do i, but can i at least stay in your country and spend alot of time with you before you fuck off again?

[w3]

I think you really need to give her space, give her some time to breathe freely.

If you love something, let it go.
She'll come back to you if it's meant to be.
(I don't literally mean breaking up with her, but giving her space.)

We haven't heard the other side of this story, her story.
So we have to just take what you've told us, but even as it is it seems you are really too clingy.

As I mentioned before about what in my mind is a working relationship, a relationship where two people don't build their lifes around eachother, but just tread along two adjacent paths.

She is avenging your clinginess, she is punishing you for smothering her by leaving for a trip as soon as you move into her country.
That's just a reaction to what you've been doing.

Your relationship with her can be saved, but you need to realize that love isn't always, well, most of the time everlasting.
Relationships end, people do break up every day. They break up because of unfaithfulness, or just because they aren't meant for each other.
They find new love.
You need to listen to your brains now, rather your brains than your heart.

[Jelqster]

this is fucking hard

[w3]

Love can be hard.
It mostly will be.
But that's just part of life, life in general is fucking hard.
But.. Try to enjoy it. Even the bad parts usually have a meaning.

I think you need to first truly find yourself, in order to find the one.
In other words, mature. See life the way it really is.
And build your confidence.

[Steve Madden]

And develop rock-hard abs. Women like that, and it feels great.

[Steve Madden]

Frankly it sounds like you need to come the fuck off it. How in the hell is it an indication of anything amiss that she's bringing her bikini? I mean for Christ's sake. And at what point in normal discourse would she mention that to you? Just think about it for a minute, and you can see that your insecurity is getting the better of you. "Guess what?! I get to go to Greece! And, just so you know, I'm going to bring a bikini with me, too."

Living in a jealous fog can be hell for you and for her, so you really need to try your best and clear your mind or you WILL alienate her.

[w3]

Steve.. :lol:
A bit out of place? :mrgreen

Funny tho.. :lol::mrgreen

[w3]

Frankly it sounds like you need to come the fuck off it. How in the hell is it an indication of anything amiss that she's bringing her bikini? I mean for Christ's sake. And at what point in normal discourse would she mention that to you? Just think about it for a minute, and you can see that your insecurity is getting the better of you. "Guess what?! I get to go to Greece! And, just so you know, I'm going to bring a bikini with me, too."

Living in a jealous fog can be hell for you and for her, so you really need to try your best and clear your mind or you WILL alienate her.
As I said too, in a bit different tone though.. :lol: This is exactly what Jelqster needs to realize.

[PepeLePew]

thanks for the adivce everyone! i appreciate it alot!

We just had a bit of an argument realy, online last night.

Shes going on this trip to greece with her school for one week. She told me it was going to be realy busy with school assignments over there so not much free time at all. Thatmade me feel a bit better obviously, less drinking etc.

Then i ask her for fun as a joke, are you bringing your bikini?


"yeh"


And im thinking shes either joking or taking the piss...

and then she tells me they are going to have an afternoon off on an "Island".

And im just thinking what the fuck... when were you going to tell me????

"OH i just find out!"

I was a bit off when i heard this, and she said she wishes i could just be happy for her and hope she enjoys her trip. so i just turn around and tell her i find it fucking hard for some reason to think "i REALY hope she has a fucking good vacation and enjoys herself and has a hell of a wild time in her spare time in that bikini!"


Because i know its not like shes going to come back and give me loads of attention, because shel just be flooded with school work and i will be there in her spare time as usual, and in her spare time shes stressed or tired because of the work shes done during the day. It just pisses me RITE OFF.


OH also on this week off she said shes not going to contact me at all for a week because it costs too much, but she will try and find a net cafe. thats shitty for me, il be worrying and i get no contact or reassurance from her for a week. The thing is i know how this will go, it happend when she went away for 10days with her mates skiing.... she goes away, i go "off" because im shitty shes away and then i stop giving as much of a shit towards her, she gets back and i appear quite cold or neutral. Then she works hard to get me back to being keen as hell again. I said to her "i cant wait for all these trips you go on to be over, then we can focus on US instead of having all this blocks of time which are your spare time when you are not stressed with YOUR MATES instead of me"

another thing she brought up the other day is...

I want to go to a gymnastics festival in the summer, its 5 days long so il be away for 5 days, oh and you cant come its just my gym club. sorry.

So that would be another fucking holiday, before im even spending time with her. it just takes the piss. il tell her straight next time i see her. Its not on. trip after trip after trip and im trying my best to stay possitive.

Man...just listen to yourself. Reading this makes it seem like you are
definately way insecure. I just got to agree with everything Torp said
in his number 3...this is how you sounding man! You need to step back
and look at yourself from an outside perspective. This is not good.

Torp's #3:
"3. You are very insecure, in general. If this is the case, then it has much more to do with you than it has to do with her. Do what it takes to get over it and be happy with yourself and your circumstances. And NEVER dump any of your insecurities on her. Sure, you can talk to her about stuff that's bothering you, but you should never take your problems out on your girlfriend. For example, girls just like to take bikinis on trips. They like to show them off to their friends (girls) and just run around the beach and have a good time. There is no reason for you to be threatened by that. And if you constantly worry about her doing things that she sees as PERFECTLY normal, then she's going to start losing respect for you. She'll see you as some little insecure candy ass. Not a good thing. And any guys that hear about it will think the same thing. And if they have no real competition, what's to stop them from moving in? Your best bet is to let her know that you love her and that you trust her, even when she's far away from you. That is going to get you huge brownie points. You'll come across as being secure and confident in your ability to keep a girl, and it'll make her feel good that you respect her enough to trust her like that."

[Steve Madden]

I'm not giving him a hard time; I commiserate with his situation. It's easy to get so mixed up in jealousy that you can't see the forest for the trees, or the giant douche you may be becoming. What I expressed to him in my post is very likely what his girlfriend thinks or will think of him if he continues to ride her ass (figuratively speaking) like it sounds like he has.

[PepeLePew]

I agree with you guys that made your recent posts as well. By the time I
got done typing mine there was already about 5 more posts...just CC
coming alive again and bringing the help to their brothers! AMEN

[w3]

I'm not giving him a hard time; I commiserate with his situation. It's easy to get so mixed up in jealousy that you can't see the forest for the trees, or the giant douche you may be becoming. What I expressed to him in my post is very likely what his girlfriend thinks or will think of him if he continues to ride her ass (figuratively speaking) like it sounds like he has.
I am by no means telling that your way is wrong.

It is sometimes required to use tougher languange for people to understand.
Sometimes we need that hard hit in the head to realize important things.

Pepe, yeah, Spring's coming, CC's coming back alive.
Hallelujah!

[Torpedo]

I disagree with what w3 said. I think that a close relationship involves living for the other person more than living for yourself. So ask yourself: are you doing all this for her benefit or for yours? Fear and jealousy are selfish. True love is selfless.

I'm a firm believer in communication as a way of solving problems like this. If you're insecure about something, come talk to us about it. If it's a problem with your girlfriend, then have a heart-to-heart conversation with her about it. But panicking will get you nowhere.

Oh, and I promise to start proofreading what I write before I post it. Some of my recent posts have been so hard to read... :mrgreen

[w3]

I disagree with what w3 said. I think that a close relationship involves living for the other person more than living for yourself.
Suffocating a person, and loving a person with all you can is a whole different thing in my books.
If I love someone with all I can, I won't suffocate her with all my love. I will do what's best for her.

In general I live for others more than I live for myself.
As we talked about last night in that other, heartfelt and deep discussion thread about religion and stuff.

[Torpedo]

Yeah, that's what I meant. I think we're saying basically the same thing.

[Steve Madden]

If I were you I'd just apologize for the trouble you've been having (the two of you), tell her you just miss her, and also that you hope she has a great time on her trip. Better to not make it all a bigger deal than it is. Try and resolve the issue without making it a bigger one.

[Jelqster]

I disagree with what w3 said. I think that a close relationship involves living for the other person more than living for yourself. So ask yourself: are you doing all this for her benefit or for yours? Fear and jealousy are selfish. True love is selfless.


I do a hell of alot for her, flying to see her, presents, texts etc, i do alot to make her feel GREAT.

And shes very busy with school and work so doesnt have as much of a chance to do all those things for me.

The reason i kick off when she goes away on holiday, is because i feel as though im being taken for a ride or as if shes taking the piss. Im doing loads for her, and she leaves.. then its like a fuck you to me. Becuase in that spare time she should try doing to me what im doing for her. I spoke to her about that and she said she would when i move there. So thats why i got so pissed with this 5 day trip in the summer she mentioned.

[Jelqster]

If I were you I'd just apologize for the trouble you've been having (the two of you), tell her you just miss her, and also that you hope she has a great time on her trip. Better to not make it all a bigger deal than it is. Try and resolve the issue without making it a bigger one.


I have done this before, ive got pissed with the circumstances and situation before. and then ive apologised and cracked on. But im afraid if i do it this time and just apologise, what will happen is she will think everything ive said was just because i was missing her and not because im genuinly not happy with the way things are.

I dont want to go back to her going on holidays and me working my ass off to go visit her. When i move to her country i want her to chase me instead of me chasing her. I think i fucking deserve it. So i cant just go back on everything ive said, it NEEDS to be said, she NEEDS to hear it, and she NEEDS to sort it out. Because its shitty to feel like your going after someone who is enjoying you and your company and the things you do for them, and then going off to do their own things without you.

[Jelqster]

Suffocating a person, and loving a person with all you can is a whole different thing in my books.
If I love someone with all I can, I won't suffocate her with all my love. I will do what's best for her.

In general I live for others more than I live for myself.
As we talked about last night in that other, heartfelt and deep discussion thread about religion and stuff.


I think part of the reason i seem to be giving her so much attention is because im desperate to get that attention back. She wants to give me that attention, but because shes so busy shes unable to. And it frustrates me who is sitting on the sideline dishing out attention like candy. When i move thier i think things will be easy.

But now you guys have just made me paranoid that shes going to hook up with some greek guy because shes pissed with me :neut: :neut: :neut: :neut: Im sure she wouldnt... but those neggative thoughts are kicking in hah...

[G-Spot19]

Well, i figured i would not be the best to advise you on a situation like this, but i will give it a shot. I agree that I think you are being too insecure. You guys obviously care about each other so I dont think you should worry about her cheating on you. I think that seems to be the big issue. When she goes on trips i think you are worried she will cheat on you somewhere in your mindset. That would explain the bikini thing to me. That fear only leads to jealousy, then to suffocation, then to having her under lock and key. I guess its easy for me because I am not an overly jealous person. I only get jealous when shit goes too far. Do you think that she is going to look for someone to give her an orgasm when she goes places? I know you expect her to "give back" to you, but she has a life too and I dont think she goes on these trips to be saying fuck you. She is just living her life and having fun. You should just relax, tell her to have a good time and that you will miss her. I guarntee that will mean a lot to her. I also think you should cut back on the attention. Smothering your girlfriend leads to her distancing herslef from you and that never goes anywhere good. Like i said, im not the best to give advise on this kind of shit right now, but i tried.

[Jelqster]

thanks for the responses guys.

With my ex, i was NEVER jelous, i realy wasnt, i was happy for her to go and do anything she wanted, it didnt bother me one bit.

But with this girl... Its not like that, deep down im a bit pissed everytime she goes out and im not there haha, i know it sounds stupid.

And when it comes to holidays and stuff, i think one of the reasons im like this is because a year on new years eve she went out on a skiing holiday and ended up being in her words "raped" by another guy. Apparently her and a friend were realy drunk in a club, her friend scored with a guy and this other guy was kissing her, and then she found herself in a room behind the club with her pants and jeans down with him behind her... and she said that the next day she had to get a pill etc.

But to be honest, as far as im concerned, its her own fault for being drunk and having some guy get with her and overpower her like that, she wasnt safe and she had the chance to stop it whenever she wanted, its not like she was DRAGGED OUT OF THE CLUB AND RAPED. she probably enjoyed the fact this guy was attracted to her and led him on and then he had his way. and to be honest, im thinking "it was her fault then, whats to stop her leading another guy on or being naive with guys, and something similar happening again".

[Torpedo]

Maybe she learned something from it. Were ya'll going out at the time?

[Jelqster]

Maybe she learned something from it. Were ya'll going out at the time?

no we werent going out, or i wouldnt be with her now.

[Torpedo]

Oh, and the fact that she says that she was "raped" is just her trying to shift the blame. She's obviously ashamed of it... Everyone's made some bad decisions in their past. And they learn from them and move on. Has she ever done anything while going out with you that's making you suspicious?

[PepeLePew]

I do a hell of alot for her, flying to see her, presents, texts etc, i do alot to make her feel GREAT.

And shes very busy with school and work so doesnt have as much of a chance to do all those things for me.

The reason i kick off when she goes away on holiday, is because i feel as though im being taken for a ride or as if shes taking the piss. Im doing loads for her, and she leaves.. then its like a fuck you to me. Becuase in that spare time she should try doing to me what im doing for her. I spoke to her about that and she said she would when i move there. So thats why i got so pissed with this 5 day trip in the summer she mentioned.

See...here's where you are wrong. You are trying to do all these things
to TRY AND MAKE HER FEEL GREAT. You cannot try to overdo a bunch
of nice things "trying to make her feel great"...you are expecting her to
feel a certain way with all this stuff you are doing for her...and really
you'd think doing all this would make her FEEL GREAT, but it's not. You
can't do things for a chick and expect her to FEEL GREAT...never expect
anything. Just let her feel like she naturally wants. You are stuffing all
this down her throat trying to make her feel a certain way and it's not
making her feel that way, you are just pushing her further away because
you are doing things that you expect for her to feel great about.

You may not have understood that paragraph, but I don't blame ya, you
just got to learn from it.

Also the 5 day trip she made isn't that big of a deal. It's only 5 days...there
are 365 days in a year man and you'll be living around her all the time so
that it easy...5 days is nothing.

[PepeLePew]

She should feels great already by just having you as her boyfriend and
loving you...not trying to feel like she has to feel great because you think
she should because you are doing all these special things for her. If she
doesn't feel great just naturally being around you then she isn't the girl
for you. I got to agree with G when he said smoothering and giving her
to much attention (as well as gifts, presents it may seem). I kind of
smoothered my ex-gf years ago as you are, I did everything in my mind
to make things perfect and I TRIED to much to make it FEEL GREAT and
give her love...but what I was actually doing was suffocating her and
pushing her away. Not giving her freedom and becoming jealous like you
currently are.

You are a good guy, just need to step away from the whole picture and
take things into prospective.

[Jelqster]

Oh, and the fact that she says that she was "raped" is just her trying to shift the blame. She's obviously ashamed of it... Everyone's made some bad decisions in their past. And they learn from them and move on. Has she ever done anything while going out with you that's making you suspicious?


Well I feel as though she cant handle her drink very well at all. The very first time I went out with her to a party she got REALY DRUNK, and i found her semi conscious in the girls loo's. I went in knocked on the door to get her out, and a bouncer dragged me out, i explained to him the situation and he helped me open the door, i got her up, washed the sick off her, found her coat, put it on her. took her outside, got her phone, phoned her dad to pick me up, (in a different language and in a town i didnt know where i was) managed to find her dad. Gave her MY coat because she was freezing her ass off and still cold. Got her in her dads car, took her home. she fell straight asleep when we got back. and when we talked about it a few weeks later she told me she was fine and she would have just walked back to where she was sitting normaly in the club if i left her alone for 5 minutes in that loo. this was clearly NOT going to happen. Shes just VERY naive, and i think thats where my worry and insecurity comes from. Her parents have raised her in a realy relaxed way. and without too much discipline, sometimes i feel like im her dad, i have to tell her whats a good idea and hwats a bad idea etc. It wouldnt suprise me if she was as drunk as she was on that party when i was there, ANYONE could have taken advantage of her. and that does my head in to know that.

So thats part of it torpedo. that event had an impact on the way i realised how naive she was. I have been through alot in my life and am not as naive as alot of people my age. I have seen a fucking lot and she wouldnt have seen that, shes had a very privaledged lifestyle and always lived int he same town. Parents always there to help her for everything etc, and at the same time they arnt fussed about her going out and getting fucked off her little face twice a week.

So thats just it, this naivity worries me alot.

[Jelqster]

She should feels great already by just having you as her boyfriend and
loving you...not trying to feel like she has to feel great because you think
she should because you are doing all these special things for her. If she
doesn't feel great just naturally being around you then she isn't the girl
for you. I got to agree with G when he said smoothering and giving her
to much attention (as well as gifts, presents it may seem). I kind of
smoothered my ex-gf years ago as you are, I did everything in my mind
to make things perfect and I TRIED to much to make it FEEL GREAT and
give her love...but what I was actually doing was suffocating her and
pushing her away. Not giving her freedom and becoming jealous like you
currently are.

You are a good guy, just need to step away from the whole picture and
take things into prospective.


Very good points, and in the beggining of our relationship i was texting her and contacting her LOADS, and then she started acitng a bit off, and i realised that i was suffocating her, so i backed off LOADS and the next day she was contacting me SO MUCH and chasing me shit loads, and when she goes away to Greece, what will happen is i wil crack on with my own shit, packing my stuff together, not contacting her, only responding to her texts etc. and shel start missing me like fucking crazy, il move to dk and she will be chasing me as far as im concerned. I wont be so neutral that im putting her off, i will be nice and sweet but with limited contact so that its not like im suffocating her at all. I even said to her all of this. She said she only wants us to send arolund 3 txts a day to each other while shes in Greece because it costs so much, i just said "yeh no problem". I said i wouldnt phone her mobile (even with skype 14ppminute) but i might try and phone her hotel (with skype 2ppminute). Im just so much more laid back in the last 24 hours about everything, and since then shes been chasing me more etc, telling me how much she loves me.

[Jelqster]

As a side note. some further info...

She is comming to England TONIGHT for the first time ever shes flying to me! Im going to spoil her a bit... but not drasticaly, tonight il pick her up take her home wel have some wine and she can spend some time with my family. maybe wel go to the pub.

tomoro wel go for a walk then go and spend some time in a local city, ive booked us in for a nice meal in a very high class restaurant in the city centre, il pay, i told her that ive got friday planned and shes excited as fuck now. And then wel just go for a few beers after that and have a good time, then il take her to meet a mate of mine and wel visit some more pubs. Then back to my house, and a meal with my rents.

the next day, il do some other shit with her and then shes invited to a big party (my dads 50th) dinner jacket, dresses etc, big party to be honest. and then sunday im taking her to the train station shes going home to denmark, arrives there in the evening and then on monday morning shes flying to greece for a week!

[Jelqster]

:twisted: Yes, I'm a CC WHORE :twisted:

[Steve Madden]

Oh, she's Danish? Keep her. I love Danes. Silky smooth.

[Jelqster]

Oh, she's Danish? Keep her. I love Danes. Silky smooth.

they look after their skin alot.

[G-Spot19]

Nice! Glad to see how things are turning a bit. Better to let her chase you and play hard to get, so to speak.

[Jelqster]

things are GREAT.

I just had her in my country for 3 days. Shes completely fucking madly in love with me lads.


So the first day, shes flying from Denmark to england and she is lost in a city train station and i end up suprising her by taking a train to meet her there instead of her comming to me, so i bring her home with me on the same train. We meet my rents and she has some food with us, good fun. The next day...

I took her for a day to walk around "shopping" in the city, looking at loads of girls shops for ages. She got a dress and a new purse, and it made her soooo happy that i could walk around with her and still act interested without getting bored.

Then she said she was hungry, I said "yeh good point, lets get some food"

So then i said "lets just go to mc donalds" she looked a bit dissapointed, and then i said "well its cheap and we dont have much money, just follow me its down here near the cathedral"

I then said:

"But let me pay for the meal, alrite? You are in my country after all :wink: "

Im carrying a bag at this point. And I stop, pull a shirt out of the bag, put it on, and shes like "what are you doing?"

"They wont let me in this place without a shirt on"

"hahaha, yeh rite, mcdonalds!!!!" she sais

I said "you realy think im taking my girl to Mc Donalds? :cool:wink: "



her fucking face was like this :icon_surprised: :icon_surprised:


I suddenly take a left, into one of the finest restaurants in the city, with service, silver, a pianist in the background. She said:


"haha no... your joking..."

she wouldnt walk in because she thought i was taking the piss.

She said "you HAVNT made a booking"

I wink at her, got her to sit on the velvet sofa which is where you have to wait if you had made a reservation, and i said "ive made a reservation under the name (insert my name)"

She said "rite this way please sir!"


Sat us both down.

The menu comes, i order a £30 bottle of white wine. And a 3 course meal for us both, I show her the menu but hide the price with the wine list and said shes not allowed to look at the prices.

Shes sitting there stunned out of her fucking face for a 2 hour meal, her eyes were watering... shed never been treated like this before in her life.

She said to me "i cant believe you would do this... your amazing, your fucking amazing, im so impressed, WOW"

I tell her that this is nothing, and that there are things I will give her that cost nothing, but are worth much more then any meal.

(smoothtalking for a while etc etc gotta be done)

Then i take her home.

And then I take her out to see some of my mates, and shes drinking beers with us lads all night.

I take her home, and we fall asleep together. after we give each other some oral sex. Where her hips are shaking and shes telling me it was one of the best feelings i had given her. The next day and were off to the top of a big hill where i show her an amazing view.

We then both got naked and i fucked her, hard.

Used lube and she was giving me a handjob with the foreskin pulled back completely, was quite intense, incredible feeling.

The next day its my dads 50th and sisters 21st and then we have a MASSIVE party, she meets relatives and friends from around the world, she does a great job at that, and impresses alot of people. and we end up dancing together alot. our last night together before she goes to greece was me and her just lying there together, nothing sexual, it was a nice feeling to be honest, not something im used to.

I dropped her off to the bus station today and she was completely in tears that she had to go, id never seen her so sad.

But i think the weekend went well and were both even closer. (more details on the sex comming up)

[PepeLePew]

Sounds like things turned out pretty well for ya man.

And you're almost to 500 posts...tagline coming soon.

[Torpedo]

Nice! Sounds like everything turned out great. I'm happy for ya.

[Jelqster]

things are good, and getting better.

Im in for surgery tomoro under general anesthetic, so i have 2 days off.

Then im working wed, thu, fri, and i have saturday off. And I will pack all my shit together on this day, and then go out with my mates on the beers. And on sunday im working a 7 hour shift, she comes back from Greece on the sunday night, so il talk to her then.

Feels wierd to say bye to someone and not have any contact from them for a week, just after you have had a weekend like that. Daaam... :confused:

[G-Spot19]

Damn good story! I am glad to see how great things are going. Have a hug! :hug:

[PepeLePew]

Feels wierd to say bye to someone and not have any contact from them for a week, just after you have had a weekend like that. Daaam... :confused:

May feel weird, but don't worry to much about it...this will make her miss
you even more and think about you. Just have a good time with your
buddies.

And what is the surgery for? Hopefully not penis enlargement :wink: j/k

[Jelqster]

Your rite, i think she will miss me, but not as much as i will miss her because she will be so fcking busy with her mates ALL DAY. MY plan is to not text her much at all until she txts me each day, then i wont feel like im chasing so i wont miss her as much and she will end up missing me more.

she might be able to send emails from a net cafe tho. she said shed send 3 txts a day hah and no more. she was going to bring her computer so she could have used skype, but her mum isa bitch and forced her not to :confused: :(

The surgery is today and is for taking out a canine tooth which has grown sideways under the gum. Bone grafting will be needed to fill in the massive hole it will leave behind. I have been having a bridge for the last year, as this tooth left a gap which never came down. So this will cost me £3000 but then i will have a permanent implant rather then a fake tooth which comes loose and falls out in innapropriate times, I cant be fucked to go to a dentist so i bring superglue in a washbag when i travel and i have superglued it back in countless times. In denmark on my last trip i had to do it EVERY day.

Anyway, how do you lads think i should play the game of texts and emails etc?

[PepeLePew]

Dang man, good luck with the surgery. Hope it goes well for you.

For the texts, yea don't text her much and if you do just keep them short,
by short I mean just a few words. Don't get all detailed on what you
doing ect. to get her more jealous and possibly upset and then make her
text you something you don't like again to get you jealous. Just keep it
simple and tell her where you at (place), what you doing (hanging with
friends...not so detailed just hanging with friends), and you are having
a good time (something simple like 'good'...not awesome with an bunch
or exclaimation marks like you did last time...matter of fact no exclaimation
marks at all), and lastly just tell her you miss her or luv her or whatever.

[Jelqster]

thanks man, good advice! thanks very much. Soon we'l have been together 6 months. Im going to start Peing again soon. It will be more organised this time with pictures on each measurement, measuring weekly.