Bobo
31st May 2005, 02:59 PM
No need to read this, I'm only writing it because it's quite therapeutic to get stuff off my chest.
I've been struggling lately, really, I've been tired as hell. My mind isn't where it should be, I forget things... my brain is working with 50% effort. Really, the way I can work when I'm healthy, it's truly amazing now that I think about it: I used to remember everything without having to write anything down, and really... in my job that's loads of stuff. I have been only a shadow of what I used to be. Two weeks back I felt really depressed, and contacted my doctor about it. After the long conversation his solution was: max dosage of the anti-depressant I've been taking for a few months now. Really: a dose so big only the most difficult cases take... he didn't tell me that, I found the info elsewhere. Damn, what the hell? That can't be right? What's happening to me?
Then I contacted my boss about it, and arranged a meeting with him. We talked for 3,5 hours straight... My point was to inform him I'm not functioning 100% and because of the big things I'm in charge of he should know about my situation because I can't guarantee everything will go as it should. In the back of my head I kept thinking what the hell am I doing? Not wise to reveal any weakness to a boss... but it was quite vice versa. He said to me that he's never seen such honesty in his staff before, and he really appreciates my honesty. There I was thinking he must think I'm a tired loser and he should find a replacement soon, but nothing like that happened. He took his time telling me how my efforts have impressed him, and told me about how my career will advance in the future... and he ordered me to take it easy for a while and promised not to strain me with any new projects until I feel ready for them. A great man he is.
That made me feel alot better, and I ripped the prescription (the anti-depressants) in pieces and bought the smaller ones I've been eating for a while. I feel alot better now, not having to worry about my job if I fuck something up. Honesty: sometimes it's worth having. Damn, I do feel good!
Now, I can start saving money for my great escape... break away from this sick rat-race and move somewhere far away from this greedy world of ours. Maybe I build a few bungalows on a deserted island for travelers that seek some tranquility, or maybe a banana plantation... something without noisy machines and greedy backstabbing people. I take whatever I need to live, and give the rest to the poor community... that I didn't tell my boss. A man can dream, right?
I've been struggling lately, really, I've been tired as hell. My mind isn't where it should be, I forget things... my brain is working with 50% effort. Really, the way I can work when I'm healthy, it's truly amazing now that I think about it: I used to remember everything without having to write anything down, and really... in my job that's loads of stuff. I have been only a shadow of what I used to be. Two weeks back I felt really depressed, and contacted my doctor about it. After the long conversation his solution was: max dosage of the anti-depressant I've been taking for a few months now. Really: a dose so big only the most difficult cases take... he didn't tell me that, I found the info elsewhere. Damn, what the hell? That can't be right? What's happening to me?
Then I contacted my boss about it, and arranged a meeting with him. We talked for 3,5 hours straight... My point was to inform him I'm not functioning 100% and because of the big things I'm in charge of he should know about my situation because I can't guarantee everything will go as it should. In the back of my head I kept thinking what the hell am I doing? Not wise to reveal any weakness to a boss... but it was quite vice versa. He said to me that he's never seen such honesty in his staff before, and he really appreciates my honesty. There I was thinking he must think I'm a tired loser and he should find a replacement soon, but nothing like that happened. He took his time telling me how my efforts have impressed him, and told me about how my career will advance in the future... and he ordered me to take it easy for a while and promised not to strain me with any new projects until I feel ready for them. A great man he is.
That made me feel alot better, and I ripped the prescription (the anti-depressants) in pieces and bought the smaller ones I've been eating for a while. I feel alot better now, not having to worry about my job if I fuck something up. Honesty: sometimes it's worth having. Damn, I do feel good!
Now, I can start saving money for my great escape... break away from this sick rat-race and move somewhere far away from this greedy world of ours. Maybe I build a few bungalows on a deserted island for travelers that seek some tranquility, or maybe a banana plantation... something without noisy machines and greedy backstabbing people. I take whatever I need to live, and give the rest to the poor community... that I didn't tell my boss. A man can dream, right?