17 Ways Women Fail In Bed

[wern]

I love foraging in the depth of Old CC. I have found that hilarious thread by Spike. If you aren't OK with me posting this, please delete Spike or anyone else.

The full thread (http://www.cheekycherry.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1636&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=)

The post:
THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED.

1.MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the lovesword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2.ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3.SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4.NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5.CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6.POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7.HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace.
If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8.BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9.BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed
everything.

10.CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually and gifted human beings.

11.FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12.PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13.BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15.SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16.INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if:
a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or:
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm.

A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17.SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution."

[Shane_Bos]

Thats some good shit :lol:

[Matt]

:lol: very funny.... Why the fuck hasn't that become an email that gets sent from man to man woman to woman all over the world...:idea:

[Spike]

I think that's how I got it. :lol:

[ArTee63]

Why the fuck hasn't that become an email that gets sent from man to man woman to woman all over the world...:idea:

I'm all over it....
:D

[wern]

aaaah crap. Now I'm gonna be flooded with this thread in the form of a chain letter. :x

[Shane_Bos]

You have no one to blame but yourself :roll:

[zwmusic]

1.MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the lovesword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms.

:lol: That was fucking hilarious.

[MagnumXL]

at first i thought it was truthful. then i found out it was a joke and laughed. then i realized it was VERY truthful and funny at the same time. good read.

[Clockers]

It was good, :lol:

[smooth]

I like my girl shaved.

[wern]

I like mine fully inflated

[MagnumXL]

I like mine hacked up and in the freezer. :shock:

[Matt]

:lol: magnum

[pastaboy]

clap clap clap that was somefunny shit

[Ed]

that should be posted alongside that article on how to give a woman head. Do it side by side, split-screen because it is almost like the male response to each of the accusations raised by the head article. Women are allowed to accuse men of being thoughtless lovers. The thing is, we should accept that each sex wants something different out of sex and relationships. Unfortunately, it is unacceptable to criticise female sexual expectations of men, as women are always right.

[wern]

women are lazy unless they are complaining. We do most of the effort. Did you know that women can kegel? If they kegel they can orgasm much more often and the orgasms can be more intense, plus their pussy will be tighter when they have a flexed PC muscle. But I wonder how many women actually kegel??

[Ed]

I've heard kegelling can help women with childbirth and so I think it could be more widespread than with men.

[Shane_Bos]

Kegels tighten women up, so if your birds as loose as a goose than tell her to kegel!

[wern]

she won't though. They can't be bothered.

[Shane_Bos]

But she can do them while cooking and cleaning :D

[wern]

hehhe exactly!!!! BECAUSE SHE WILL NEVER COOK/CLEAN!!!!!

ahhem

[wern]

this thread needs a good hard bump.

[Mr.Bigs]

women are lazy unless they are complaining. We do most of the effort. Did you know that women can kegel? If they kegel they can orgasm much more often and the orgasms can be more intense, plus their pussy will be tighter when they have a flexed PC muscle. But I wonder how many women actually kegel??

I know for a fact that my girlfriend kegels. It really does make her pussy extra tight that when we have sex it becomes sort of a struggle for me to get it in, expecially if we havent had sex in a while. She said she kegels all the time, even when she sits down and watch TV. I really didn't ask her where she heard about it from but I guess maybe it is a widespread thing with women.

[G-Spot19]

this thread needs a good hard bump.

Thanks for bumping that wern. Hilarious :lol:

[BigBadBear]

Although the thread is funny it's dead accurate in that most women expect sex to be all about them. Good sex is mostly measured by how good it is for the woman and whether the guy is doing what she wants, not whether he's having a good time.

I know that the pendulum has been at the opposite end for most of history (i.e. sex being all about the mans pleasure) but it's now gone too far the other way. Of course, sexual selfishness is probably just symptomatic of our overly sexualised, promiscuous and aesthetic culture.

[Tmac 1 LeBron 23]

As soon as I get a girlfriend, I'll have to print that out in A2 size and stick it on the bedroom wall and bathroom wall and wherever we are going to do it :mrgreen

[G-Spot19]

If she showed that to a woman, she would be pissed as hell. They DO think its all about them. And if we really want any pussy, we gotta let them think that way too.

[wern]

Screw that! But yeah you're right :x

[G-Spot19]

Sadly :cry:

[Tmac 1 LeBron 23]

If she showed that to a woman, she would be pissed as hell. They DO think its all about them. And if we really want any pussy, we gotta let them think that way too.

Yeah I know I'm just joking, I'm never going to do that, it's 100% disrespecful like she knows nothing etc etc

[pie_lover]

lol that sounds all good, cept for the no cudling thing, i like to cudle after sex, caus it usualy ends up with my hands going places, then me getting head and then more sex :cool

['TheBugKahuna']

Only gay people cuddle!

Yea...I cuddle too.

[wern]

Only gay people cuddle!

Yea...I cuddle too.

:shock:

[pie_lover]

Only gay people cuddle!

Yea...I cuddle too.

unless you get your girl to cuddle on your penis... with her mouth :cool

[K-man]

A quiet day in the office led to me finding this beauty. Just had to bump it for all the guys who haven't seen it. Enjoy!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[zwmusic]

You've done some serious digging there K.

[K-man]

Page 40 to be precise!!!:lol: :lol: :lol:

[zwmusic]

How was your day at the office? :lol:

[K-man]

I quite enjoy looking through the old threads. Just occasionally you come accross something like this. Work was good today thanks, you?:lol: :lol: :lol:

[zwmusic]

I'm bumming around... :lol:

[Axlerod]

Just to keep things even. Though perhaps it deserves a thread of its own. Maybe some of us will learn a thing or two from this one......

40 ways men fail in bed


This could be very true ... TAKE NOTE no. 40 !!!!!,but No. 18 is the best
among all .


1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) NOT THANKING HER.
Don't forget that you're a slob and you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.

[K-man]

You had to go and pick all my faults didnt you!!:x :x

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[zwmusic]

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.


LOL!

Great post Axle.

There's another down side to that, if she has a prominent pubic bone you'll end up with a VERY sore pubis yourself. I know that from own experience. :lol:

[MagnumXL]

^^^ WOW that sounds like some BORING ASS sex.

[zwmusic]

Actually, it was. :lol:

Never to be repeated.

[Zoran]

hey Axe..you've been talking to girls a lot...LOL:lol:

[Shane_Bos]

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.


Fuck off. How about we dont use a condom, leave her with a baby then she can get rid of that.

I do dispose of mine if i use one cos its easier and probably nicer for her but to say its our job to do it is ignorant.

[Master Long]

They give us 17, we give them 40. So competitive, us men are. :lol:

[Spike]

women are lazy unless they are complaining.

Quote of Day Award. :lol:

[K-man]

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

I must admit I've been tempted to ask a few times!! :lol: :lol:

[BigBadBear]

40) NOT THANKING HER.
Don't forget that you're a slob and you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.
Not thanking her? If anyone were to actually bother following all 39 of the points prior to that (because sex is all about her :roll: ), she won't have done a fucking thing to make her worthy of any thanks. I don't much fancy being reduced to a living sex toy for something that in reality is a two-person activity.

Most of that stuff is specific to the girl and the situation anyway, it's not like there's a single kind of sex that every woman will like all the time. People should learn to read each other better rather than following a formula for generic, samey sex like this one.

[K-man]

Communication is the way forward!!! :mrgreen

[wern]

Quote of Day Award. :lol:
Thanks :lol:

This thread brings back memories.

As for axlerods post: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: , though the way I read it is to do the sentances that are in caps:
ie

3) NOT SHAVING.
- how can you be a man if you don't have facial hair?


4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
- that's what they do in porn


5) BITING HER NIPPLES. - porn
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. - porn
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. - porn
18) GOING TOO FAST/HARD. - porn


21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
- if I am not coming soon enough I am either a sex god, or she isn't good enough in bed. Either way, I win.


22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. - who the hell cares?


25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. - I actually have to continually warn women that I am not climaxing


26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. - porn


27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. - um...


28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. - its good exercise


29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. - You should accidentally start with the pinky, and work it up from there.


30) TAKING PICTURES. - what she doesn't know can't hurt her


38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. - at this point I was sure the bold writing refers to the DOs, not the DONTS.


40) NOT THANKING HER. - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[jason12]

40) NOT THANKING HER. - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

O man that reminds of of the time I tried anal without saying please.

[zwmusic]

I'll fuck your ass now... OPEN IT!!! :lol: :lol:

[EndorphinMachine]

this thread is a laught!:lol:

[Master Long]

They give us 17, we give them 40. So competitive, us men are. :lol:

Just realized it's the other way around. Damn! :x

[SusurrusK]

Fuck off. How about we dont use a condom, leave her with a baby then she can get rid of that.

I do dispose of mine if i use one cos its easier and probably nicer for her but to say its our job to do it is ignorant.

Hilarious... infact this whole thread is godly.

:lol::lol::lol: