shame

[soserious]

i got in the other day from a walk/jog early. as i was putting my jacket away i was stopping to check how tired i looked in the mirror in my room, (heh., tired) and for a moment i tried to imagine that i hasd a father and was a mans son. (rather than the normal nothing. its hard to explain what i mean, um, how can i say? i feel like half of who i am and where i come from is missing, half of my life is missing and half of me is missing..now normally i ignore the fact that this is so and i just take it as granted that im not whole.. shit its complexs to explain.) so anyway looking at my reflection and imagining i was like he son of a man as oopposed to just the fuckup waster bastard of a single mum. and it was weird, it felt weid but like it couldve felt REALLY good to have had a dad.

i dont know if this isthe worst part though orjust another fucking thing that messes any such fantasy up: but my dad was a nasty guy, he was messed up as a kid and he did some real bad shit. so ALWAYS theres thisd shame i feel like theres always. like my friends are like "my dads this or a builder or comes from wherever or is a dickhead but basically ok." or "i got no dad but i see him sometimes and hes a mechanic in iraq and saudi arabia, hes a jerk but basically ok." whereas me..well, i feel too ashamed to explain hes stupid story but lets just say no matter what this hole will always be there. that sux. not only did i not have a dad growing up but even if he IS stil alive i cannot track him down and resume some kind of relationship because hes a fuckup freak and too much weirdness and shame. even my mom whos dad was somewhat lousy can at leasdt say some good things about him and be proud of him in some way, as for myself i cannot. not one thing.

i truly believe most of the things in my life that fucked up and the opportunities (relationships, sex, fun, going out , having some direction with my life, self confidence and a feeling of security) would have worked outr properly had i had a fairly ok dad. but nope. so here i sit, a nothing with no clue.

its like a weight on my chest i can never get off.

whats a dad? whats it like to have somone else in your life as a kid growing up?

my mom would go through long bouts of depression and inactivity, ocassional boyfriend, get pissed off at us. shwe was an ok mom. but in many respects unfortunatly did more harm then good (unintntionally) she knows this, she even joked that idve maybe been better off without her like a orphan. i dunno.

the more i try and change and progress as a person the more i get nowhere.
its like, its like um, one one hand im feeling like lost all the time unsure of abnything really, especially of my own decisions and like i need help (not from mymom) but on the other hand im very agressive minded and will not allow anyone to help me or interfrer with this state of nothingness.
either way im screwed.


i really dont know what to do, i really dont.
im nearly 24 and am wasting every day so fast like is nothing.
its getting pretty scary and im getting more panicked but i cant get out of this cycle of outward aggressiveness and rejection of things and this inward self destruction ansd hatered/denial.

and i know if i ask what i should do im most likely going to not do it. i am not sure if i don do things cos i wont or cos i cant.

i wish i could explain better.

but yeah.. i am so sick of the shitty things my "father" did which make me feel like i cant evn mention hes name and must walk around with hes fucking shame. horrible feeling.

what the hell?
anyone know what i mean?

ss

[MagnumXL]

i feel ya. i didnt grow up with a dad either. i guess i never really had a void because i didnt know what i missed... or maybe its cuz my mom took such great care of me. Ah well

[Godma]

Maybe you can find solace in the fact that many, many people grew up with only half a parentage. Although that doesn't help much, aye?

[Clockers]

My dad/mom split up when i was 8 or 9, then my stepdad came along when i was 13 or 14, and we did not like each other for years. So to me i didn't really have a father because my dad only came around once or twice a month and this went on For years.. :x And it was maybe for a few hours time that he would spend with me, so he was more like a friend to me then a dad. but i guess at least i had things to tell people about him good things and he did help me out alot (money' a car) and a place to live if i wanted to. He did give some love not much though, he was like in his own little world.


Even now i see him maybe once or twice a month, sometimes not even that much but i can only blame that on me, cause he aways asking me to stop by or come over for awhile but i'am to busy. So in other words i guess the table has turned!!! :cool

[soserious]

yeah, i remember about you and your father and your stepdad clockers, its good you got some good things from it but it still souns like it was pretty rough for you, especially growing up. youve done well :D how are you today?

MagnumXL, yeah i know what youre saying, i know a lot of single parent kids who actually did ok with the right environment-allbeit not a complete* one neccesarily. unfortunatly i know many many more who had one parent or neither (obviously mostly single moms) and the kids have untold issues and problems DIRECTLY from lack of a decent father figure (i say decent cos obviously i know some fathers can do more harm than good, but still) and this is the most common scenario.

Godma, yes, this is true. but sometimes as horrible as it sounds i think i mightve (MIGHTVE) done better without. that sounds really stupid to say but im thinking of all the things i DONT do and all the opportunities i pass/ed up for live experiences and such: because i have had it drilled into my head from a young age that life is scary shitty and full of people trying to screw you over. my mom recogniss that this attitude about the world which she imprinted was/is not helpful at all. im 23 and im STILL tuned into that so much its scary and i am having a really hard time shaking that ideaology off and replacing it with a more healthier balanced one.
so its like half my problems and issues are as a result of hving no dad and the other half of the poblems are from having a mother who had a unhealthy mindset imprinting it on her kids. ovcourse i got much to blame myself for too.

ive been around other people for short whiles like on school trips (years ago) and they had very different attitudes and i felt totally different, more free, more normal and less paranoid about everything. even when this woman stayed with my family when i was 15 or 16 she was very different and my mum had a boyfriend (so was busy) and the thought of having 2-3 adults at home who combined had a really healthy attitude to life made me feel great. the time when that was all going well was THE best part of my entire life. i felt lke a normal teenager doing normal teenager type stuff. but vcourse it didnt last.



ss

btw people feel free to continue to write stuff about yourselves and parents , growing up ect. i just felt the need to start this thread because.

[Clockers]

yeah, i remember about you and your father and your stepdad clockers, its good you got some good things from it but it still souns like it was pretty rough for you, especially growing up. youve done well :D how are you today?



Thanks for asking i'am doing just fine.. :wink:

I got up at 5:00am did about and hour an 1/2 working out with my legs/sit ups, went to the store to buy food i just ate cleaned a little, now i'am just sitting back for the rest of the day i will be doing CC/movies/eating/resting.. :)

[soserious]

sounds good Clockers.
hmm, i should get some cleaning/tidying done here.

[Clockers]

Yea! I hate the cleaning, but somebody has to do it and it looks good when your done. :mrgreen

[wern]

I don't know if I can relate. I have had some fucked up years growing up but I had a complete direct-relation family. But no cousins, grandparents etc coz they are all overseas.

I have a friend who has been doing it tough since he was a kid. His dad split and his mom dated lots of guys all of which were voilent jerks. Some abused his mom and hit him etc. And his mum wasn't exactly a good parent to him either. He moved out when he was 14 and a half. He has a lot of problems now, mainly bouts of anger and lethargy. Also he has issues with women. He feels negatively toward them and sees them only as sex objects (probably because of his mum). So he has deep commitment issues. He considers me his best friend but it is very hard to get along with him.

It saddens me because I wish I could help him. I know that meditation would help greatly and he told me that he will try it, but he never did.

So while I can't relate myself, I know others who can somewhat.

[soserious]

that sux for your friend. yeah i can relate to that, my mom had lots of boyfriends, pretty much all jerks. had nothing to do with me, she`d just havwe a new bf and we`d see less of her for a while.a lot were jerks, fight with her or try n rape her and shit and totaklly try and be THE MAN of the house-no way... i have been THE MAN since forever, luckily i was bulky built from a youngish age, like muscular i mean much more so than i am in my puny twenties..so it wasnt like i was just another skinny helpless kid, i was violent and as strong as any regular guy so anyone layed a finger on anyone and id be at them so fast. when it was over she`d be all keeping to herself again 24/7 or yelling at us/ me.
blah.

dude yeah. shit i forgot really,i used to be so violent it was crazy.
i am not now, not physically anyway, its manifested itself in the psychological. but im rarely around other people, being in a situation where im around lots of people, especially if i dislike them (even if i dont knw them) i need to stay calm. last year i was fretting incase i flipped out and started atackin people who i didnt like and doing damage and getting arrested, or worse. i can easily see myself slpping back into that again, but frankly my self hatred and stuff kind of takes the wind out of me in terms of anything like that. i would get so unbelievably stressed and nasty then within a flash be cool and calm. shit dude yeah, i kinda forgot bout all that, heh, my house used to be half a wreck from all the family stresses going on.

its weird, i can feel like fighting a stranger who looks at me like with attitude, but other times if someone beat me in the face i wouldnt even say anything let alone get nasty. stupid inconsistency. also im a horrible fighter-i think too much. if someone was to come up to me and start beating me id not know how to react and just get beaten most likely :x i went to see if i could do muaythai, but the area that is closest to teach hat is in an area that id definatly get into fights like a lot, even if i didnt want to dickheads round there just go round in gangs looking to fight ppeople, especially people like me :x so i went to a kickboxing place, looked interesting but that shits expensive apparently and i checked my bank account (i had put in 100£ of my emergency money in after i unexpectedly got overdran by 54£ and thinking it was gonna be in credit it says im fucking overdrawn again!! :x damn you muthafucking council water/heating rates!! so the last cash in the house has gotta get put in my account soi can get the hell off of being in the red/overdrawn-can i do it tomorrow morning? no! frikkin bank holiday! damn you council! :evil: god i hate the council.


so yeah, maybe i should just switch on everyone and go back to the old me. i still get told that im hostile or give off a hostile attitude but like i care, who do i trust out there to not be hostile to? no-one, f##k em all.


REALRAGE

[wern]

I have been in too many fights. I used to be a hooligan but I changed about 4 years ago. I am also turning 24. I am very peaceful and friendly now. I get to appreciate beauty everyday where I live. Maybe you should move out of england. The weather there is too glum. Move to Australia. People are really friendly :)

[soserious]

I have been in too many fights. I used to be a hooligan but I changed about 4 years ago. I am also turning 24. I am very peaceful and friendly now. I get to appreciate beauty everyday where I live. Maybe you should move out of england. The weather there is too glum. Move to Australia. People are really friendly :)

really? thats great *its great finding people my own age* 23 for around 6 or something weeks.

why australia? looks tempting man. but i hear getting in is really tough.

[wern]

I think brits get in easier but I am not sure.

I am turning 24 in 2 weeks :)

[Ed]

I think it is normal for guys to have issues with their fathers (whether they are present or not) My dad died when I was 23 and the thing that gets me is, at that age I was full of shit and thought that I knew everything and I had no time for my dad. I never really got to know him. Not having him around has been one of the worse things in my life. But I guess that's why they say youth is wasted on the young.

[wern]

Its too true. I have used the experiences of older people to drive me since I was 18 so that I don't just waste my youth bumming around.

[soserious]

thats horrible Ed, im sorry.
i AM one of those guys who totally wasted/ing their youth and young adult hood.
*shoot me in da head-i dare ya*

ss out.