Bunch O Jokes Club

[ArTee63]

*ArTee tips hat towards Wylde Bill*

...Post on gentlemen....


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[wern]

Irish humour.
Irish invention - submarine with fly screens.

[MagnumXL]

^ actually its a blonde invention. speaking of blondes


how do u confuse a blonde? tell her to find the corner in a sphere room

how does a blonde confuse u? she tells u she found the corner

[Spike]

German Engineering

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol Station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing supremo is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sor" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

[Shane_Bos]

Theres an English man sitting on the bank of a river indulging a bit of fishing. He feels a bit parched and decides its time for a nice cup of tea when this Irish man comes along and sits next to him. After a quick introduction the Irish man exclaims,
'Oh, those thermos flasks are bloody great aren't they!'
'They sure are, they keep hot things hot and cold things cold, what have you got in yours?' says the English man to which the Irish man replies,
'2 cups of tea and an icecream'.

[Happy]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

[wern]

Q: What do the Pope and the Christmas tree have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

teehee

[MagnumXL]

rofl all of these made me laugh.

This one wont make sense unless ur a BJJ guy.

You know u do too much BJJ when ur fucking ur women missionary and u pass her guard and wonder what the fuck happend. <- lame joke :cry: i suck!

[Shane_Bos]

Whats blue and shags old ladies??

















Me and my lucky blue overcoat :D

[wern]

you have learnt wisely my son

[ArTee63]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests., "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter., "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

[Happy]

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

[Shane_Bos]

Funny but i saw the punchline as soon as the 'twelve inch pianist' was mentioned :roll:

[ArTee63]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."

[soserious]

:x

the trail stopped :x
i was reading those.

how does a blonde confuse you ... :lol: lmfao.

ahhem.. you know i have much irish blood and when i had hair it was blonde :x
stupid jokes :x
all through school i was taunted wity these types of jokes. :x

:lol: :lol: :lol:
but theyre funny.
LOL

[wern]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are in the desert when suddenly the Lone ranger gets bitten by a snake in his groin.
Lone Ranger: Tonto, I need urgent medical help. Run to the town and ask a doctor what to do.

So Tonto runs into town and asks the town doctor. The doctor tells him the only way to get the venom out is to suck it out.

Tonto comes running back to the Lone Ranger.

Lone Ranger asks "Tonto, what did the doctor say?"
Tonto says "Doctor says you gonna die."

[Happy]

Stop me if you have heard this one before:wink:

A Panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich & beer, when he has finished he pulls out a gun & shoots a man sitting at the end of the bar and then just leaves!
The barman say’s, what the hell was that!

One of his customers say’s, hang on a minute I can tell you,
He pulls out his new electronic dictionary, and look’s up “panda"

Oh ! damm that explains it !!! :o

Panda: China, Mammal, Eats, Shoots & Leaves.

[ArTee63]

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

[Valk]

:P :P :P

[Shane_Bos]

:P :P :P

So you like the sound of Fridays?

[Shane_Bos]

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

[Dong_Johnson]

What do you call a leper in a bathtub?


Soup

[soserious]

With some info from ArTee i realised that theres already a jokes thread.. (oops), so i move a few things into here like so...
hahaha, its fun to play with this one at the very end the words on screen (http://www.homestarrunner.com/cantsayjob.html)

www.homestarrunner.com

and..

nothing sick!

we had a good thread in OldCC, right here in NewCC we need another (search function showed nothing).

tell funny jokes, funny skits or anything.
i`ll start click me (http://65.24.76.65/sounds/commercials/yamaha.mp3)

ok and the other one can sink into the newly forming abyss... :mrgreen gotta have some mystery down therein the deep cherry sea..


and no sick shit! :x

also from Wern:
"whats bobo been upto thread" (http://www.cheekycherry.com/ccforums/showthread.php?t=1267)

[zwmusic]

Who remember this one?

http://www.jokefrog.com/flash/dear-penis.shtml

[JB22]

whats green and has wheels?







































































Grass......oh, but I lied about the wheels

[zwmusic]

Are we supposed to laugh JB?

[JB22]

its meant to be a stupid joke... and no, no one really laughs at it...I know I didnt when I heard it.

[zwmusic]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:o

[Shane_Bos]

So this bloke walks into a bar with his giraffe and says to the bartender,
'i'll have a pint for me and a pint for my giraffe please.'
So the bartender gives them their drinks and soon enough theyve finished them and they ask for another round. They continue to do this and after about 4 hours, the man and the giraffe are absolutely off their faces and they decide to leave. As they walk out the giraffe just collapses on the floor and the man continues to walk off when he hears a shout from the bartender,
'Oi! You cant leave that lying there!'
To which the man hiccups,
'Its not a lion, its a giraffe.'

[ArTee63]

With all the Brits and Aussies here I thought this would be appropirate...




An Australian, in England for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectable young lady outside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees.
Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room.
"Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"
"Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything like a Kangaroo, you need plenty of room!"

[Shane_Bos]

And we won the ashes too, HA!

[Superbeast]

"but if its anything like a Kangaroo, you need plenty of room!"

That is so true, kangaroos can be hell :wink:

[Superbeast]

And we won the ashes too, HA!

Yeah but the World 11 got slaughtered by Australia. England have quite a team these days, the main thing that made us lose was those swingers from Flintoff, damn him. :twisted:

[Wylde Bill]

Cool to see this thread made it over as well. Must be hundreds of jokes in the old thread at the Old CC.

[BIGOKE]

Tom, Dick and Harry worked for a construction company building a 25 storey building. The building was nearing completion after 2 years of construction. One day they all sitting down to have their lunch.
Tom opens his lunchbox, "Dammit" he says "Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again! For the last two years the same fucking thing everyday! I swear if my wife gives me these sandwiches one more day i'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."
Dick opens up his lunchbox, "Dammit" he says "Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again! For the last two years the same fucking thing everyday! I swear if my wife gives me these sandwiches one more day i'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."
Harry opens his lunchbox "Dammit" he says "Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again! For the last two years the same fucking thing everyday! I swear if my wife gives me these sandwiches one more day i'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."

So the next day they sit down for lunch. Tom opens his lunchbox and sure enough peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He flings himself off the building to his death.
Dick opens his lunchbox, peanut butter and jelly. He flings himself to his death.
Harry opens his lunchbox, and flings himself to his death.

At the funeral the 3 wives get together.
Toms wife says, "If I had known he hated peanut butter and jelly so much I wouldn't have made it for him. Its just that for the past 2 years he didn't complain."
Dicks wife says" Yeah its the same with Dick. I had no idea."

Harrys wife says, "Well I don't know about Harry because he's been making his own sandwiches for the last 2 years"

[Wylde Bill]

:lol: sad sad harry. :lol:

[BIGOKE]

A cowboy's riding through the Arizona desert. Suddenly a rattlesnake in front of him. the horse is nervous and wants to bolt. He pulls out his gun to shoot the snake. Suddenly the snake shouts, "Please don't shoot me. I'm a fairy god rattlesnake and I'll grant you 3 wishes if you let me live."
"3 wishes eh?" says the cowboy. "OK you gotta deal"

"#1 I want to be the richest man in the world."
"Granted" says the snake

"#2 I want to be the handsomest man in the world"
"Granted" says the snake

"#3 I want to have genitals like my horse"
"Granted" says the snake

The cowboy checks his saddle bags and sure enough they filled with gold diamonds rubys and all valuable items.

He races into town, books into a hotel rushes to the bedroom and looks in the mirror. Sure enough there stares the handsomest man you've ever seen.

By now he's very excited and he hurriedly drops his pants... and exclaims....






FUCKIT, I FORGOT I WAS RIDING ON BESSIE TODAY!"

[Wylde Bill]

that was killer. good one big.

[BIGOKE]

A teenager walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmicist for condoms. "They come in singles, 3's and 12's."
Give me the 12's says the teenager i gotta hot date tonite.
Isn't 12 a bit much asks the pharmacist.
Nope he says. After we have dinner tonite we gonna get down to some serious screwing.
Well good luck says the pharmicist.

He arrives at the girls house and after a brief introduction to the parents is seated for dinner.
We usually ask the guest to say the grace before we eat says the mother.
OK says the teenager and he starts to say grace. He prays for the food and the unemployed and the poor and the tsunami victims and hurricane victims and goes on and on for 20 minutes and finally says amen.
Visibly impressed the girl wispers to him, I had no idea you were so religous.
To which he replied,... I had no idea your father was a pharma :x cist.

[Wylde Bill]

hahahahahahah fuck!!!!! That would suck!!! :lol:

[Diablo]

a bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods.

bear: are you scared about getting shit on your fur?

rabbit: not really...

bear: good.

so the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit :)

[Spike]

A WOMAN is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

[Valk]

Making jokes at the expense of my race, tut tut tut.

[Wylde Bill]

a bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods.

bear: are you scared about getting shit on your fur?

rabbit: not really...

bear: good.

so the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit :)
This joke is an all time classic. :lol:

[ArTee63]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

[Wylde Bill]

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true
what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys
put their penises?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock
my teeth out?"
~~~~~~~~~~

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to
fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her
deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Why, yes, I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped
them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden."
~~~~~~~~~~

bunch o'jokes club
Thought I would put in some of the jokes that inspired me to start this thread in the old forums.

[ArTee63]

A two for one deal!!!


Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven. The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven. The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties. Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent Christmas?" The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."

-------------------------------------------------------------

What do the Chicago White Sox and Bobby Brown have in common?

















They both beat Houston 4 times a week!!!

[ArTee63]

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

[Superbeast]

Why did the chicken go on cheekycherry?

Coz it wanted a bigger PENIS!

[Spike]

One day, an old lady went to the bank with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.

The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said £165,000.

Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money. The old lady said she made bets.

The president, quite surprised, asked: "Which kind of bets?"

The old lady said: "For example, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win!

The old lady replied: "Would you like to make a bet?"

"Certainly", answered the president, "I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square".

The old lady said to him: "Given the size of the bet, I'll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if it's alright with you".

"No problem" said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.

On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.

The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.

The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them.

"Of course please do!" said the president, given the fact that there was so much money involved, "you must be 100 per cent sure."

The lady, smiling, started to do so.

The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

He asked the old lady: "What is he doing?"

She answered: "It's probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10am today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the bank in my hands!"

[zwmusic]

:lol: good one Spike... so... how much do you want to bet the Pope's testicles are square?... :lol:

[Spike]

Does the Pope shit in the woods? :lol:

[zwmusic]

I bet he does. He's got a wooden toilet cover. :lol:

[soserious]

KLIKIT (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/monkeyvstiger.html)
:lol:

[BIGOKE]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really
doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now
my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[Spike]

Wern pulls up in his VW Beetle and goes into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me going all night."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small box marked with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll be a sex maniac for 12 hours!"

Wern says, "Gimme 3 boxes." He pays and gets back in the VW.

The next day, Wern walks into the same pharmacy, up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror at the Wern's penis. It's black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

Wern says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat muscle rub." The pharmacist replies, "You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" Wern says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

[ArTee63]

Priceless!!!! :D

[wern]

Spike goes to the doctor for a checkup.
After the checkup Spike coily tells the doctor of a recurring problem:

"A can't stop farting, doctor. They are silent and odourless, in fact I've farted twice in the last minute, but being a proper Victorian Lady, I think they are unbecoming. Will you help me?"

The doctor stares at Spike for a few seconds, then prescribes some pills and asks Spike to return in two weeks.

Two weeks later Spike shows up looking quite flustered.
"Doctor what have you given me??? These pills haven't helped me, in fact they've made things worse! Now my farts stink."

"Excellent" says the doctor "We've fixed up your sinuses, now we can work on the hearing"

[Spike]

:lol:

But did you not see Bigoke's joke 3 posts up?

[ArTee63]

I just chalked it up to Deja Vu. :?

[wern]

goddamit!!! :lol:
Oh well, can't go wrong with the classics

:x :x :x

[Spike]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago.
Wife : "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
Husband : "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Wife (naked) : "What are you thinking now?"
Husband: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

[The Big Banana]

Why did the woman cross the road?

More to the point what was she doing out of the kitchen?

*******************************************

Why are womens feet smaller than mens?

So that they can stand closer to the sink to wash dishes.


With a female population of 0, I feel safe posting those here.

[Spike]

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

[ArTee63]

The Perfect Wife Should Say All Or At Least Most Of These Things:

1. I’ll Swallow It All.....and I Love The Taste.
2. Are You Sure You’ve Had Enough To Drink?
3. I’m Bored....let’s Shave My Pussy!
4. Shouldn’t You Be Down At The Bar With Your Buddies?
5. That Was A Great Fart! Do Another One.
6. I’ve Decided To Stop Wearing Clothes Around The House.
7. You’re So Sexy When You’re Hung Over.
8. I’d Rather Watch Football And Drink Beer With You Than Go Shopping
9. Let’s Subscribe To Hustler.
10. Would You Like To Watch Me Go Down On My Girlfriend?
11. Let’s Go Down To The Mall To Check Out Women’s Asses.
12. I’ll Be Out Painting The House.
13. I Love It When You Play Golf On Sunday’s, I Just Wish You Had Enough Time To Play On Saturday Too!
14. Honey....our New Neighbor’s Daughter Is Sunbathing Again, Come And See.
15. I Know It’s A Lot Tighter Back There But Would You Please Try Again?
16. No, No, I’ll Take The Car To Have The Oil Changed.
17. Your Mother Is Way Better Than Mine.
18. Do Me A Favor, Forget The Stupid Valentines Thing And Buy Yourself New Golf Clubs.
19. I Understand Fully...our Anniversary Comes Once A Year. For Christ’s Sake , You Go Hunting With The Guys, It’s A Great Stress Reliever.
20. Oh Come On, What Do You Say We Get A Good Porno Movie, A Case Of Beer, A Few Joints , And Have My Friend Susie Over For A Threesome?
21. Christ, Not A Fucking Mall Again. Come On, Let’s Go To That New Strip Joint.
22. Listen, I Make Enough Money For Both Of Us. Why Don’t You Retire And Get Your Golf Handicap Down To 7 Or 8.
23. You Need To Sleep You Big Silly. Now Stop Getting Up For Those Night Feedings.
24. God...if I Don’t Get To Blow You Soon, I Swear I’m Gonna Bust!
25. I Signed Up For Yoga So I Can Get My Ankles Behind My Head For You!

[Spike]

1. Would You Like To Watch Me Go Down On My Girlfriend?
2. Let’s Go Down To The Mall To Check Out Women’s Asses.
3. Honey....our New Neighbor’s Daughter Is Sunbathing Again, Come And See.
4. Oh Come On, What Do You Say We Get My Friend Susie Over For A Threesome?


Your wife worries me. :lol:

[Shane_Bos]

I dont play golf :?

[ArTee63]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[BIGOKE]

George Best goes to get his results from a doctor ...

Doctor : "I've got good news and bad news."

Best : "What's the bad news?"

Doctor : "You've got 1 hour to live."

Best : "What's the f**cking good news?"

Doctor : "It's happy hour!"

[BIGOKE]

A really ugly woman is walking along the street with 2 kids when a guy comes up and asks her,
"Are those two kids yours?"

"Yes," says the woman.

"Are they twins?"

"No, no, the girl is 12 and my boy is 7. How come you think that they are twins?"

"Because I can't believe that you've actually been shagged twice!"

[BIGOKE]

Australian Builder



This is possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.



‘Dear Sir,



I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.



Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.



You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.



This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.



At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.



Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the Barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.



I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.



I hope this answers your inquiry.





Cheers

[The Big Banana]

Haha, so good. I love it.

An American tourist pulls over his rental in the middle of the outback for a piss. Suddenly a bloke jumps out from behind a tree, pointing a shotgun at him. “Wank yourself off”, he orders.

“What?”

“Masturbate. Right now!”

Nervously, the tourist obliges.

“Now, do it again”.

“I can’t do it again”

“DO IT AGAIN!”

So the tourist masturbates for a second time.

“Okay, once more”

“I couldn’t do it once more, no matter what. You may as well shoot me.”

“Nah, that’s fine. Now you can give my sister a lift to the next town.”

[BIGOKE]

Bloody hell! :shock: :lol: :lol:

If that was Tmac he wouldn't have minded all the wanking. :twisted:

[hugh g rection]

The Perfect Wife Should Say All Or At Least Most Of These Things:

2. Are You Sure You’ve Had Enough To Drink?
24. God...if I Don’t Get To Blow You Soon, I Swear I’m Gonna Bust!
25. I Signed Up For Yoga So I Can Get My Ankles Behind My Head For You!


Sooo is it a good sign that I hear those three in some variation from my girlfriend almost every day?

I almost get the feeling she is lulling me into a false sense of security so she can chop my weiner off. :shock:

[Spike]

The variations being:-

2. Are You Sure? You’ve Had Enough To Drink!
24. God...if I Don’t Get To Blow Soon Hugh, I Swear I’m Gonna Bust!
25. I Signed Up For Yoga So I Can Get My Behind Ahead Of My Cankles!

:D

[BIGOKE]

Grandpa's Advice

I hope this will again confirm that the most
important information in your life won't come
from a teacher, the library or the Internet.

It comes from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-since passed away grandfather's birthday
is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.

We used to take long walks and drives together.
He would make special trips to pick me
up so I could spend weekends with him.

I was young when he died.
If he were living today and sharing
his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and true, but
the one I remember best, the jewel
in the crown of grandfatherly advice,
came from him when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children with
their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.

He told me that one day, I'd find
a woman and start my own family.

Then he said, "And be sure to
marry a woman with small hands."

"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look much bigger," he explained.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[BIGOKE]

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy.

The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You want to be the husband or the wife?"

The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

[BIGOKE]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and tell the other one all about heaven, for the woman's biggest fear was that there was no paradise. After a long and sex-filled life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Mary... Mary..."

"Is that - can it be - you, Fred?"

"I've come back like we agreed!"

"Well, tell me, tell me, what's heaven like?"

"Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."

"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven. God be praised, there is paradise after all!"

"Heck no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

[ArTee63]

"Bump" -0 (.....

shit, wrong thread.


There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"

[Clockers]

That was good! :lol:

[ArTee63]

Lesbian Humor....



1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

6. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz crackerand a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

[Spike]

A Ritz cracker and.................... ? :lol:

[ArTee63]

DOH!!!!! :o

Sorted. :lol:

[BIGOKE]

While touring a Red Indian reservation filming a documentary, Barbara
Walters was puzzled about the difference in the number of feathers in
the head-dresses of red-Indians.

So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his head-dress and his
reply was: "me Only have one woman. One woman, one feather." Feeling the
first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two
feathers in his head-dress.

And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated number of sexual partners
involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
head-dress full of feathers which, needless to say amused Ms. Walters
who asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your
head-dress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: Me Chief, me screw 'em all.
Big, small, fat and tall, me screw 'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake.
Me screw 'em all."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me
screw 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

[ArTee63]

A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once upon a time?'"
His mother answers, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with 'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'"
"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that ?"
"He used to."
"What made him stop ?"
"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend on that ?'"

[ArTee63]

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."
Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm."
Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky."

[ArTee63]

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay

[Shane_Bos]

:lol: The last point's good :lol:

Feminist .................... Fat

I always thought:

Feminist.................. Lesbian.

[ArTee63]

Feminist equals fat because the fat chicks can't get the guy so they have to settle for other fat chicks.

Unless Valk meets them, of course. :lol:

[zwmusic]

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

This should be made the ultimate outdoor warning for every male on this earth, specially the young ones. :lol:

[BIGOKE]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to
make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two
sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin'
ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as
he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

JEEZZZ!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

[zeolite]

ROFL! Didn't see that coming at all :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Spike]

allregic? :lol:

[zeolite]

Yep allergic :lol:
Being a student I often don't have to get up until the afternoon :lol: That's all gonna change in a few months when I have to get a job in the real world :shock:

[zeolite]

Stick with this one. It gets good:


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

[Spike]

Yep allergic :lol:


allregic though? :lol:

[zeolite]

Oh yeah. I only just spotted that :lol:

[Valk]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to
make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two
sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin'
ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as
he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

JEEZZZ!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[ArTee63]

A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

[ArTee63]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $ .38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

[Shane_Bos]

That last one was good :lol:

[Newbus Erectus]

A women goes into the Doctors office and says, "Doc i got a problem, guys are just not interested in me can you help me find the problem?"

Doc says, "Hrrm, lets see, lift up your arm, nothing there, turn around, oh i see the problem"

She says, "What doc whats the problem"

Doc Says, " you got the exactly disease"

She says, "whats that?"

Doc Says, "Your face looks exactly like your ass!"



Yeah probably old joke hehe.. I still laugh at it though. :lol:

[ArTee63]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

[ArTee63]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times." When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side

"You know what?" he said

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."

[The Big Banana]

I hope this one hasnt been posted yet...

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice, "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blowjob. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!".

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?"

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"

[The Big Banana]

Supposedly a true story...

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the jail.

Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

[zeolite]

That line at the end is priceless :lol:

[Shane_Bos]

Not really jokes but i laughed...

1) Big bad wolf said to Little Red Riding Hood, "unbutton your top and let me bite your tit". Piss off she said pulling down her pants, eat me like the bloody book says.

2) Jack and Jill are palying hide n seek. Jill says, if you can find me you can kiss my fanny and take me from behind. If you cant, Im in the shed.

[Newbus Erectus]

Here is kind of sick joke, yeah really sick. LOL


A guy walks into a whore house and asks the manager if he has any rooms available.
The manager says, no.

The guy says, please i have plenty of money?


The manager says, hrrm, ok, but you will have to leave the lights off.
Go down those stairs and she will be lying on the couch for you.

the guy says, great! Thanks alot!

So he continues on to go down stairs and stumbles around in the dark untill he finds the couch and what feels like a women laying there.
after 30 mins he comes back upstairs and told the manager thanks again and that she was a dead fuck and had rice in her mouth.

(she was a dead fuck :puke: rice = maggots)

[Wendell]

There is a blonde in a coffee shop reading the newspaper. The headline reads "12 Brazilian Die in Flash Flood." The blonde shakes her head solemnly and turns to the man next to her and asks, "How many is a brazilian again?"


Short and sweet:mrgreen

[Master Long]

A women goes into the Doctors office and says, "Doc i got a problem, guys are just not interested in me can you help me find the problem?"

Doc says, "Hrrm, lets see, lift up your arm, nothing there, turn around, oh i see the problem"

She says, "What doc whats the problem"

Doc Says, " you got the exactly disease"

She says, "whats that?"

Doc Says, "Your face looks exactly like your ass!"



Yeah probably old joke hehe.. I still laugh at it though. :lol:

The joke is supposed to be that the person goes to an Asian doctor who calls it "Ed Zachary" Disease, because that's the way he talks. GET IT RIGHT! God............................................... ..............:P

[Master Long]

Hey, everybody knows these:

1) Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

2) What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

[Codzilla]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. After a few drinks the giraffe is drunk on the floor. The man goes to walk out and the bar tender shouts to him "you cant leave that lyin there"

The guy turns around and says, "thats a giraffe, not a lion"

(kinda better if said vocally due to the play on the word lion but oh well)

[Codzilla]

This ones from eddie murphey.

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns around to the rabbit and says "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur???"

The rabit turns to the bear and says "no, not at all, why???"

So the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

[Spike]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So Frank drops his pants and gets buggered by the black bear.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So Frank drops his pants and gets buggered by the grizzly bear.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[Clockers]

-----> lol.

[Spike]

Just substitute any 3 fans of any team sport.

[Spike]

Apparently from some food dish sailors ate in the 18th Century.

As for "scouse" (rhymes with "mouse") or "scouser" as a slang term for someone from Liverpool, we can chalk it up to Liverpool's history as an important British seaport. "Scouse" is short for "lobscouse," a kind of thick meat-and-vegetable stew often served to sailors in the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries. The precise origin of "lobscouse" is obscure, but a synonym for the same stew, "loblolly," is probably a combination of "lob" (a dialectical English term meaning "to bubble while boiling") and "lolly" (a regional English term for "soup"). In any event, "scouse" has been shorthand for a Liverpudlian since at least the 1940s, and also refers to both the dialect and the distinctive accent of a Liverpool native.

[MeLuvGirlWitAss]

1.A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."




2. A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Tmac 1 LeBron 23]

Dunno if anyone said these but here goes:

1) How do you make a blonde laugh on friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday

2) When your mum join the ugly contest, they said sorry no professionals.

3) Your mumma is like a tortoise, when she's on her back she's fucked.:lol: I really like that one

4) Your mum is taller lying down.

[BIGOKE]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas
dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

[BIGOKE]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps,
were an English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady,
and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there
is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Irish guy has a bright
red, hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but
missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The English guy thinks:
That Paddy bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she
tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irish guy thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that English
cu*t again.....

[BIGOKE]

Bill's friend Harry was holidaying in Rome, and was
intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long
line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope
would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few
words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked
right past Harry, hardly even noticing him. The
Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over
and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his
way on again.

This really angered Harry. After speaking with
the drunkard, Harry agreed to pay $1000 dollars
to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would
speak to him the next day.

The next morning Harry stood in the line, wait-
ing to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words.
The Pope was making his way slowly up to him.
When he finally reached him, he leaned over to
Harry and spoke softly into his ear, "I thought I
told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."

[BIGOKE]

Two old drunks in a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection I couldn't bend it even using both hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So", says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, "says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[BIGOKE]

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old.
Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how fcuking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good.
You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"Uh-huh."

Dinosaurs.

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fcuking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fcuking families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

[ColdShroom]

I've found that I can run "Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3" with Wife 1.0, if I run it in virtual machine, in protected memory.

You also need to un-install "Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3" very often. Remove, and then install again.

[Bobo]

I tried to update my "wife 1.0" to "wife 1.1" but the thing crashed and didn't re-boot. :x

[ColdShroom]

Every OS Sucks.. (http://www.deadtroll.com/index2.html?/video/ossuckscable.html%7Econtent)

[Spike]

Wives with Automatic Updates turned on are the worst, never know what to expect from day to day.

[Valk]

I tried to downgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Whore 4.2 and have succeeded!:D

[Bobo]

Wives with Automatic Updates turned on are the worst, never know what to expect from day to day.
Yeah, their speech is scrambled so bad nobody can understand a word. :x

[Spike]

And the part labelled Accessories keeps filling up with unwanted junk.

[ColdShroom]

keep the trash can clean..

[Spike]

Whore 4.2 and have succeeded!:D

Is Whore 4.2 free Open Sauce?

[Valk]

Yes, but installation instructions are a bitch.

[ColdShroom]

Just warez it, and keep reinstalling.. easy.

[Bobo]

I tried to downgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Whore 4.2 and have succeeded!:D

Be careful with those, I've heard they're infested with viruses and You should always use a filter program with them.

[Spike]

I'd keep her firewalled if I was you.

[Spike]

I tried to update my "wife 1.0" to "wife 1.1" but the thing crashed and didn't re-boot. :x

That's not quite how the newspapers told it.
http://news.squizzle.com/fn/?sid=14&story=127088027088&c=121049009061020009031&l=99%20&g=175020061033

Any comment Sir? :lol:

[Bobo]

No comment. :puke:

[Thought Pro]

I'm sure the U.S government would like him back in their labs.