What's with all this suicide talk?

[Bobo]

Deleted... too much, too personal info. I made my point.

[Valk]

Dont be too hard on them. I know I am hard to figure out and all messed up and stuff. Joking and depression go hand in hand with me. :?

[Bobo]

Of course nobody here is responsible for the skeletons in my closet, not their crime... I just wanted to point out it's a serious matter that shouldn't be taken lightly. I will delete this thread when I feel enough people have seen my point, too much personal info to be floating around www forever. I hope You Valk and Bug will find enough reasons to keep on living because this is only one stage in our lives and the next one might be happier, can't be worse. I'm in really bad shape myself too right now, but for me suicide isn't an option anymore, I simply can't do it to the people that care about me. Have strength, my friends.

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

-Johnny Cash

[Anthrax]

You should name names next time...

[Valk]

Not many people care about me. There are only a couple things that keep me here, and one of them is my parents. They werent the best parents but they had their heart at the right place, contrary to most humans.

[Bobo]

I care about You, Valk, You're one of the good ones. And remember: when talking about our loved ones it isn't about quantity, it's the quality that counts. The way You talked about Your parents makes You a rich man, and I hope You realize it too.

[wern]

I was just thinking of making a thread to criticize all this suicide talk. You beat me to it :cool .

I hope all is well, Sir!

[Valk]

Bobo was criticizing the replies that were made when someone started a suicide thread. So you can still make a thread where you criticize the people who started the suicide threads. :cool

[zwmusic]

Not many people care about me.

I also care about you Valk. As weird as it may seem, I feel very strongly about you even though we've never met personally. Please take it into account.

[Valk]

Yeah, I know. But an e-relationship is still different then a real life friendship.

[zwmusic]

I know it. Just be patient with life. That's all I ask of you. Bobo is absolutely right, quantity is crap. Hang on to the life of those very few who care about you.

[Master Long]

Oh, nevermind.

[wern]

You become a different person every day. Every time you wake up in the morning you are reborn. You can choose to let the memories of you past days dictate to you the person that you are, but you would then be living an illusion. Life is way to beautiful to ignore. You don't need other people to enjoy life. All you need is to discover who you really are. Uglyness and beauty are just external facades. They have no meaning unless you chose to give them the illusion of meaning.

[Master Long]

The very fact that we live and know naught that exists outside of life should be evidence enough for us to accept and enjoy existence while we still can.

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Alive, I

In this holy reality, in this holy experience.

Twirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and
celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

[G-Spot19]

I also care Valk. It would hurt me. But as others say, take the quality. Id rather have a few who care the world for me than many aquantinces. You are a great guy Valk and you sense of humor has cheered me up many times. Bug, the same for you my friend. Why? Why wish to be away from the, sometimes hard to see, amazing and beautiful things in life. Go hug or touch someone you care so much about and then think of never feeling it again. And realize how bad it hurts for one loved one to die because you know you wont feel their touch. Imagine all of them being taken from you at once. Killing yourself accomplishes just that.

[hugh g rection]

Of course nobody here is responsible for the skeletons in my closet, not their crime... I just wanted to point out it's a serious matter that shouldn't be taken lightly. I will delete this thread when I feel enough people have seen my point, too much personal info to be floating around www forever. I hope You Valk and Bug will find enough reasons to keep on living because this is only one stage in our lives and the next one might be happier, can't be worse. I'm in really bad shape myself too right now, but for me suicide isn't an option anymore, I simply can't do it to the people that care about me. Have strength, my friends.

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

-Johnny Cash


You are free to come visit the USA bobo. We could start up a venture together or something. Then you get to start again. ( I know that isn't the point of the lyrics but I'm just a goofy guy.):D

[Bobo]

This is to my dear friends Valk and Bug, and anyone else fighting the demon of depression, some words of advice and a new point of view. Trust me: I know what I’m talking about:

<o:p></o:p>Sadly, I have more experience of suicide and its side effects in my life than I’d prefer, I've lost a few close people to suicide and among them is my own mother, so trust me: I know more about it than I'd like to. People always concentrate on the selfish point of view about suicide: the problems and reasons for doing it and ways to deal with the problems. That’s a good way to deal with it, but there’s one more dimension to it and it has nothing to do with what’s going on in the depressed mind, it’s about the life around them.

<o:p></o:p>For some reason suicide isn’t considered nowhere near as bad as a murder, but really it isn’t that far from it. People don’t judge it that way because they feel sorry for the victim, and that’s totally understandable because it’s a sad, cold and scary place to be at: the edge next to suicide, one step away. It’s a darkness I can’t even begin to describe (but I’ve been there), a place where all hope is gone and death seems like the only answer… but trust me, it never is. If You ever go to that place where I hope I’ll never return to, when You feel like You’re the only one in this universe, hurt and scared, all alone… standing at the edge of death… stop for a little moment and look around, listen for a while, and You’ll see there is some light and there can be heard voices: the people who care about You cast a faint light beam to You and that’s where You must walk to.

<o:p></o:p>Why? Because suicide is a cowardly act and nothing less than a murder. It is easy to say “it’s my life and I have the right to do whatever I want with it” but that’s not the case, never, it’s the demons talking. None of us are living only for ourselves because we always have bonds to other people, were a part of their lives. So it’s not only our own choice because our lives consist of the lives of our loved ones too. By suicide one will rip painful wounds that will never heal to the souls of his/her loved ones, and those wounds will never heal, they will haunt them for the rest of their lives. It is easier to lose a loved one to for example cancer or an accident, but losing someone to suicide will always leave painful marks, guilty feelings of not seeing it coming, guilty feelings of not being there when needed. While thinking about the plague that will haunt the loved ones for the rest of their lives, the pain in my own heart, I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s just like the Newtons third law of motion: “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”. That means the total energy of the agony of the victim doesn’t disappear after the suicide, but it passes on to others who cared about him, plants a seed of depression in their hearts too. It’s a pain I hope You will never have to experience, worse than the agony of losing someone close by natural death… much worse because on top of the sadness there is the pain of feeling guilty because of not seeing it coming, not being there when needed.

<o:p> </o:p>I’ve lost many close people to “natural death” and despite the fact that losing them hurts like hell for a while, with time I’ve learned to accept their deaths. I can think about them with a smile on my face, I’ve learned to let them go. But that’s not the case with my mother who killed herself when I was 12 years old… it will be exactly 20 years since she did it six weeks from now. The pain that normally fades away with time hasn’t healed yet, not at all, and I can still cry hysterically when thinking of her and what she did, my own mother in that cold and dark place, all alone... I’m not a religious person but when I was traveling in Bali (<st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Indonesia</st1:place></st1:country-region>) I had the rare privilege of witnessing a Balinese cremation ceremony, and what was exceptionally impressive was the fact that everyone was smiling during the ceremony, crying wasn’t allowed. Why? Because the way they believe it, the soul of the dead can’t leave our world if people won’t let him/her go by imprisoning the soul with their sadness, and by showing a happy face the soul can travel to the other dimension without having to worry about his/her loved ones. By crying they trap the soul to our world. Well, as I said I’m not a religious person, but if that would be true then I’d be trapping the soul of my mother in this world for as long as I live because I will never heal from the agony of her suicide. The same goes with the two close friends of mine who also killed themselves: every Christmas I light a candle at their graves, and every time I cry like a child. When I visit the graves of my loved ones who died a natural death, I never cry, not anymore. So, the guilty feelings of losing someone to suicide will never heal, and by committing suicide one is cowardly passing on his agony to all his loved ones and the wounds will never heal.

<o:p></o:p>So, suicide isn’t a personal choice, it’s only a cowardly way of fleeing ones problems, a cowardly way to pass on the pain to others. Well, “cowardly” is a strong word because I know one can be so tired he/she can’t see the big picture, but there is always the faint light of our loved ones that will guide us away from that scary place. Give Your loved ones a chance to help, don’t stab their hearts like mine has been stabbed, the pain will never fade away.

[The Big Banana]

I hope Valk and Bug appreciate how hard it must be to talk about this to them. I hope you can use the next few weeks leading up to the anniversary to reflect on the good times you had with her, even if it was only for a few short years.

[Bobo]

I'm planning to go to the exact site in the woods where she was found after lying under the snow for five months, spend some time there, light a candle and think of all the good memories of her. She was a good person and I can honestly say she was my best friend too even I was only 12 years old. I don't feel too guilty of what happened because I was so young, and it's totally understandable that my mother didn't talk about her problems to me because I was only a kid... it would have been weird, and I really wouldn't have been able to help her either back then, too young for something like that. But her death has changed me dramatically, it opened my eyes, and despite of my depression I must say I've got some good characteristics as a side effect of her death because it really made me think. She really was a warm and caring person and her death left a painful void to many people, more than she realized. I would give anything to being able to go 20 years back in time, to the cold autumnal forest with the first snowflakes of the coming winter slowly falling down... where my mother sat down crying her eyes off, all alone... I would give anything to be there for her.

[Valk]

I respect you for opening up like this, Bobo. Thanks my friend. :)

I know suicide is a coward thing to do and it isnt fair for the very few loved ones I have. But, alot of my suicidal thoughts come from the fact that I have lost my faith in human kind over the years. I dont believe in friendship anymore, I dont believe that people really care. People are selfish fuckers that will take advantage of you whenever there's a chance. I have helped alot of people in my life but when the social pressure became to big, they all dropped me like a brick.

Its hard to appreciate life when everywhere you go you are treated like an outsider. When people dont appreciate you for what you are. When people spit on you, laugh at you, treat you like you're not even human.
Over the years I have collected alot hatred for humans and myself, and I dont have many outlets to get rid of it.

I probably wont kill myself any time soon, but I will do something to punish humans and myself.

[ArTee63]

I have lost my faith in human kind over the years. I dont believe in friendship anymore, I dont believe that people really care. People are selfish fuckers that will take advantage of you whenever there's a chance. I have helped alot of people in my life but when the social pressure became to big, they all dropped me like a brick

Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt.

But I'm still alive. I live for ME these days. Selfish, I know. But what other choice do I have? Suicide isn't a choice, in my mind.

[Bobo]

I respect you for opening up like this, Bobo. Thanks my friend. :)

I know suicide is a coward thing to do and it isnt fair for the very few loved ones I have. But, alot of my suicidal thoughts come from the fact that I have lost my faith in human kind over the years. I dont believe in friendship anymore, I dont believe that people really care. People are selfish fuckers that will take advantage of you whenever there's a chance. I have helped alot of people in my life but when the social pressure became to big, they all dropped me like a brick.

Its hard to appreciate life when everywhere you go you are treated like an outsider. When people dont appreciate you for what you are. When people spit on you, laugh at you, treat you like you're not even human.
Over the years I have collected alot hatred for humans and myself, and I dont have many outlets to get rid of it.

I probably wont kill myself any time soon, but I will do something to punish humans and myself.
I'm sorry to hear You've lost Your faith in human kind, and it's no surprise to me really considering the state of our world today. But You shouldn't judge us all by the crimes of a few, because despite the fact that us humans are the worst beast ever walk on the surface of this planet, there still is some good to be discovered in each of us. The level of disappointment depends totally on our expectations, and the less we expect from others the less disappointed we will become. But, the general "evil" that we must face from our friends and others that pass our path is in my opinion more because of ignorance and lack of experience than intentional evil, and the effects of our actions can only be understood if we stop to think, which not many of us do. The pressure of our society forces us to a certain mold and that makes some of us accidentally use our elbows too hard when trying to reach our goals and the acceptance of our society.

Everything is a competition, starting from the sandbox at the backyard... whos daddy is the strongest, who builds the fanciest sandcastles, who can kick whos ass etc. etc. and when we grow up we must perform well at school and get a good job. Our value as a person is judged by what kind of car we drive, how handsome or beautiful we are and how much money we have in the bank while what really counts is inside us all. Because of these rules of our society we grow up thinking that's all there is, and to achieve more we start elbowing others to reach our goals, not necessarily because we'd be evil but because of the pressure of our society all the way since we were born. To keep the attention off our own faults, we start backstabbing others to turn the attention to them to do better in the comparsion. This is, of course, what happens if nothing in life stops us and forces us to think about what really counts, and sad but true: it's only human..

To You my friend I give one advice: stop demanding too much from Yourself and especially stop demanding too much from others. If You give something or help someone, don't expect anything in return, just do it out of kindness of Your heart because by hiding the good in us only makes this world even worse. You must have the courage to walk Your own path no matter how others say You should do. Not easy, I know... but based on what I've learned about You here at CC I know You're a good man and I'd hate it if You'd simply give up and let the fuckers win.

[myfsr]

When I meet people, I expect nothing from them, and I watch them closely. they have to earn my trust.
When you expect nothing, then it can only get better, or not as bad as what you anticipated, going by this can help you to not be taken advantage of by others, as yes there are a lot of selfish people in this world.

['TheBugKahuna']

I really don't want to commit suicide. I felt alone, worthless, and torn apart about a week ago, but I feel much better now. Also, I don't think that I could really do it. I don't want to die, the uncertainty frightens me.

Bobo, thank you for all of your advice, and especially the stories about your mother and friends. I am sorry about your losses. I really don't plan on commiting suicide, because, frankly, I like being alive. I know that there are days were I will feel high as a kite, and days were I will feel low, but they vary so much that it isn't worth killing myself one day, when the next day may be the happiest day of my life (I am not Bi-polar). I also know that I would not want to cause my family and friends pain.

Zwmusic, sorry that I didn't reply in the other post. If my thread doesn't get deleted, I at least want it to sink down to the depths of CC. Thank you for your advice, and kick in the butt. :) . I appreciate your help; you are also one of the people on here that I would really enjoy being friends with. Thank you also for the advice on PE that you gave me in my former diary. I did put it into use, I just never gained. Your advice never goes unheard of.

Frankly, I over-reacted, actually: no, I didn't. I meant all the things that I said in the last thread, because I felt very frustrated and dispirted. However, I feel much better.

Thank you all for your advice.

-Bug

Also, I want to add that I am sorry if my posts seemed as if they were full of acrimony, in the last thread. I was just irritated by some of the responses.

[Bobo]

I'm glad You're feeling better, my friend. I know it's easy to say "I want to die" when the bad day comes, but fortunately that's often just words and in reality it's not very likely to happen. From my experience it seems like the ones who really want to commit suicide don't reveal their secret until it's too late, and those who talk about it won't do it, or at least by talking about it they're hoping for someone to stop them. But, the reason why I reacted this strongly was because this is a www forum and it is easier to tell the truth here than eye-to-eye to a friend "in reality", so it's more difficult to interpret here than in "real life" what someone really means. It wasn't easy for me to reveal those things from my past, but I thought it could make a difference in someones suicidal mind if I explained the aftermath of a suicide in the lives of their loved ones.

If my thread doesn't get deleted, I at least want it to sink down to the depths of CC.
I locked it so it will sink now, my friend.

[wern]

I can't imagine how hard it would have been for you to write what you have Bobo. I wish anyone in the world wishing to end their lives could read it. I'm really positive that it would deter them.:cry:

[Johnny Koo]

When I was 15 or 16 I was thinking of killing my self. I don´t even remember the reason why anymore. When I was 21 my gf left me and that was a big loss to me. I was planning something big for our relationship a great future together. Suddently she broke up and my world collapsed.
I was really down and couldnt trust anyone anymore. I bushed my self to act like nothing happened, suddently I had a new girlfriend and new after her and new after her. I realized that my ex gf was´nt that special as a woman, lover or.. anything. I was laughing myself that I was ready to jump to river for her.

There is always a light behind a next corner. Your gf leaves you, you´ll find a better one sooner or later if you just keep going.
I have had lots of ups and downs in my life, lost a job, found a great job couble months later.
I have lost close friends but found many good new friends. I have been succsessful in my profession and I have been in a places around a world that i never dremed of when i was 21 or so. Im 44 now.
I have´nt been successful with my love life, but i have a wife and 2 great kids.

4 years ago I met a woman who became to closest and best friend that I have ever had. Then right after that she got sick. lever cancer, breast cancer... Her condition has been ups and downs last 3 years, when she gets better it turns worse soon after, but she is one hell of a fighter and she has won all the battles so far. It is amazing how strong the bower of mind could be. In same time when shes is fighting for her life somebody is comitting suicide :evil:
Life is a treasure, no mater how misurable or meanless it might feel at the moment. You´ll never know what comes next day, week or month. You just have to seek for that treasure.

For those who dont trust people anymore; treat them better than they treat you. You´ll see the change pretty soon.

[Spike]

Your gf leaves you, you´ll find a better one sooner or later

The next one is always better, like cars, the new one is better spec. :lol:

Good reason to dump the current one, move on and upwards.

[zwmusic]

Zwmusic, sorry that I didn't reply in the other post. If my thread doesn't get deleted, I at least want it to sink down to the depths of CC. Thank you for your advice, and kick in the butt. :) . I appreciate your help; you are also one of the people on here that I would really enjoy being friends with. Thank you also for the advice on PE that you gave me in my former diary. I did put it into use, I just never gained. Your advice never goes unheard of.

I really wish I could solve people's problems and ordeals just like that... but I'm just another mortal. I'm really happy to hear that you're feeling better Bug, like I always say to myself, nothing like one day after the other. This way help us to put that moment of depression, which seems to last a lifetime due to its intensity, into perspective and start to think ahead of it.

[G-Spot19]

I feel so emotional after reading all that Bobo. Damn. I feel like crying. You are a strong man. I envy in you in so many ways. I wish my cousin and a few friends could have read that a while ago. Maybe they would be alive today.

[Bobo]

In my opinion it's a total waste of energy to live through something like that and then keep it all to myself, better to share what I've learned no matter how much it hurts. By sharing the experience I can pass on the knowledge to others, and if at least one person chooses not to kill himself after reading that, my mother didn't die for nothing. Even from the worst possible things in life something good can be found if we look hard enough.

[BIGOKE]

Reps to Bobo and JohnnyKoo. great posts guys. your motivation and inspiration should serve as reminders to everyone that life is preferable over death. We all have a contribution to make. No matter how insignificant. Sometimes our being on this planet can affect people we havent met.
BTW Bobo great to see you around CC again.

[Bobo]

BTW Bobo great to see you around CC again.
Nice to be back. I didn't mean to stay, just popped in for the suicide talk... but now that I'm here again I may post a few.

[Valk]

If 70% of the people make me feel depressed and worthless, maybe I should focus on the 30% that is worse off then me.
I hope I didnt sound like a hate all humans, cause thats not the cause.
After all I've been through, deep down inside I'm still a very caring person (though I have trouble letting that side out).
I just hate youth culture and the like. Its like a friggin' meatmarket out there, and if you dont come as a nice, juicy steak, you're basicly fooked!

Ok, back to my point. Maybe I should find work which involves dealing with people who are far worse off then me. Drug addicts, rape victims, injured people etc etc.
I dont know what and how yet, but I will find out.

Thanks for all your stories my friends. I will try to turn all this negative energy in some positive vibes. :cool

[Bobo]

Maybe I should find work which involves dealing with people who are far worse off then me. Drug addicts, rape victims, injured people etc etc.
I dont know what and how yet, but I will find out.
Seriously, You're not that bad, not even close... because what I've learned about You here in CC I can honestly say You have a lot more to be proud of than You even realize, my friend. You're a good man, Valk.

[soserious]

well, Bobo that was very brave. As you say maybe expressing it will help someone.

Actually my head is spinning and i feel like being sick- i think that post will stay in my mind for the rest of my life.

Im speechless really.

Ive been suicidal for a number of years. one of the reasons for the military thing as a possibility was because i know what i might do if i just continue to be lifeless. im still suicidal and probably always will be.
But what can i say..
i feel like a jerk for even replying.
im sorry for your losses, truly.
:cry:
ss

[BIGOKE]

Even though I only joined CC 6 mths ago I would be extremely traumatised if we lost anyone here to suicide. You're all a good bunch. So will someone please ease my mind about Clockers. Anyone been in contact. Shit that brothers absence got me worried. Or is he still around disguised as someone else?

[soserious]

no- im still VERY concerned about hes sudden and unexpected absence..
hopefully its just some damn computer problem- i could be mistaken but i think hes server gave him problems sometimes.

i wrote a bunch of stuff in hes diary-
no leads yet.
he was also taking that youth pill stuff.
hmm.

no, i cant ease your mind unfortunatly. :(
but lack of evidence isnt evidence of a lack. or something.

hmmm.

[Bobo]

Ive been suicidal for a number of years.
I hope You will remember what I told about what a suicide can cause to Your loved ones. Life is never so bad that death would be the answer even it may feel like it sometimes, there are always options. You're a great guy and I feel really sorry for Your depression, but You're still young and most of Your life is still ahead of You so You just keep on living or You may miss Your lucky break that can be lurking around the next corner. Have strength, my friend.

I worry about Clockers too... but if he's ok, I'm 100% sure he will visit us sooner or later.

[wern]

Wise words Bobo. I totally agree with you. And I'm really glad you're posting on these forums again :D

[Valk]

Ofcourse that sounds very logical and also is true, until the moment you find yourself in a utter state of depression. When you are at the lowest of your lowest you are the most selfish human being you can possibly be.
If you have lived in isolated hell the last several years, abondoned by everything and everyone, altruistic thoughts dont cross your mind.
You are living in your own, lonely world.

Suicide is definitively not the answer and some take the easy way out way too soon, but imagine a world where past, present and future is doomed and there is nothing to make you stay. I dont blame those people for drawing their last breath.

[wern]

I don't think I have ever been in depression. So I highly doubt I could understand what you're going through. The reality is that there are people out there whose profession it is to help you. Maybe you should give them a shot.

[soserious]

If you have lived in isolated hell the last several years, abondoned by everything and everyone, altruistic thoughts dont cross your mind.
You are living in your own, lonely world.



Amen brother!

[G-Spot19]

I too hope Clockers is well. But i knowmyself that life can get very busy and demanding and you just cant get time to be here. I hope thats all it is. Same with TP and Oldie. Damn i miss em.